A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of
the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not
finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband,
crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She
asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us
together, when you were 16? Remember he said that I
had a choice, I could either marry you, or be sent away
to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from
Here are the top five cartoon characters most likely to use drugs:
5. Olive Oyl - Probably Dexatrim abuse; maybe some amphetamines.
4. He-Man - This is an easy one. Roid monkey No. 1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!" Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that, he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger - animal abuse.
3. Yogi and Boo - We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to their cave and trip.
2. Daffy Duck - Definitly using crack. He is so wired, he bounces around on his head without pain and blows his beak off all the time.
1. Shaggy - By far the No. 1 suspect. His cloths, his hair, his bad goatee and the boy converses with dogs. All of this is nothing until you consider the munchie factor. Anybody who consumes 9.3 dog treats per episode must smoke weed.
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his question she was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."