Joke of the day

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention -- the assembly line for the automobile -- changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1st - there's too much front end protrusion;
2nd - it chatters at high speed;
3rd - maintenance is very costly;
4th - it constantly needs repainting and refinishing;
5th - it is out of commission 5 or 6 days out of every 28;
6th - the rear end wobbles too much; and
7th - the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.," replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super Computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed." God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
I like the Scanners Avatar Grinder... Very, ummm... Brainy. :p

It's a little on the edge though. Watch out. :)
Bra Types

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Chemical Analysis of Woman

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discover: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.


1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
3. Should you experience itching, burning or rash, discontinue use immediately and seek medical treatment.
Chemical Analysis of Man

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)
Discover: Eve
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg
Occurrences: Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)
Physical properties:
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of the Wo common ore.
Chemical properties:
All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analysist) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
Sex in Various Professions

Scientists discovered it
Researchers are still looking for it
Geologists are great explorers
Chemists like to experiment
Doctor do it with patience
Dental Hygenists do it till it hurts
Veterinarians are pussy lovers
Chiropractors do it by manipulation
Dentists do it in your mouth
Proctologists do it in the end
Dieticians eat better
Oceanographers do it down under
Archeologists like it old
Druggists fill it
Nurses call the shots
Writers have novel ways
Professors do it by the book
Surgeons are smooth operators
Paramedics can revive anything
Inventors find a way
Cops have bigger guns
Students use their heads
Drummers beat it
Janitors clean up afterwards
Printers reproduce the fastest
Milkmen deliver twice a week
Tailors make it fit
Operators do it person-to-person
Bankers do it with interest (Penalty for early withdrawal)
Speech Pathologists are oral specialists
Real Estate People know all the prime spots
Salespeople have a way with their tongues
Engineers do it with precision
Policemen like big busts
Computer operators have quick-action joysticks
Lawyers do it in their briefs
Interior Decorators do it all over the house
Bakers knead it daily
Architects have great plans
Babysitters charge by the hour
Bosses delegate the task to others
Executives have large staffs
Secretaries do it from 9 to 5
Bookkeepers do it with double entry
Accountants are good with figures
Credit managers always collect
Typists do it in triplicate
Attorneys make better motions
Reporters do it daily
Millionaires pay to have it done
Auditors like to examine figures
Managers supervise others
Computer people get the most out of their software
Cocktail Waitresses serve highballs
Postmen come slower
Ambulance Drivers come quicker
Bus Drivers come early and pull out on time
Taxi Drivers do it all over town
Garbagemen come once a week
Jewelers mount real gems
Pilots keep it up longer
Stewardesses do it in the air
Politicians do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected
NonSmokers do it without huffing and puffing
Clowns do it for laughs
Firemen are always in heat
Gas Station Attendants pump all day
Librarians do it quietly
Sailers like to be blown
Artists are exhibitionists
Locksmiths can get into anything
Chessplayers check their mates
Musicians do it with rhythm
Dancers do it in leaps and bounds
Photographers do it with a flash
Hairdressers give the best blow jobs
Bartenders do it on the rocks
Taxidermists mount anything
Ministers do it on Sundays
Retailers move their merchandise
Barbers do it with shear pleasure
Furriers appreciate good beaver
Detectives do it under cover
Bailiffs always come to order
Bricklayers lay all day
Radio announcers broadcast it
Movie Stars do it on film
Models do it in any position
Crane Operators have swinging balls
Farmers spread it around
Beekeepers like to eat their honey
Gardeners have 50 foot hoses
Telephone Co. employees let their fingers do the walking
Magicans are quicker than the eye
Cowboys handle anything horny
Cowgirls like to ride bareback
Truckers carry bigger loads
Misslemen have better thrust
Drywallers are better bangers
Handymen like good screws
Band Members play all night
Repairmen can fix anything
Sportscasters like an instant replay
Roofers do it on top
Miners sink deeper shafts
Carpenters hammer it harder
Electricians check your shorts
Machinists make the best screws
Carpet layers do it on the floor
Painters do it with longer strokes
Plumbers have excellent pipes
Landscapers plant it deeper
Recyclers use it again
Truck Drivers have bigger dipsticks
Cheerleaders do it with more enthusiasm
Butchers have better meat
Welders have hotter rods
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Bowlers have bigger balls
Football players are measured by the yard
Wrestlers know the best holds
Racers like to come in first
Coaches whistle while they work
Soccer Players have leather balls
Joggers do it on the run
Tennis Players have fuzzy balls
Elevator Operators move up and down in their shafts
Skydivers are good till the last drop
Beer Drinkers get more head
Baseball players make itto first base
Water Skiers come down harder
Divers go in deeper
Volleyball Players keep it up
C'Bers do it on the air
Basketball Players score more often
Fishermen are proud of their rods
Hunters do it with a bang
Campers do it in a tent
Four-Wheelers eat more bush
Bridge Players try to get a rubber
Deer Hunters will do anything for a buck
Horseback Riders stay in the saddle longer
Bicyclists do it with 10 speeds
Runners get into more pants
Ham Operators do it with frequency
Motorcyclists like something hot between their legs
Stuntmen drive better
Hackers phuck it.
And by the looks of yer Avatar, you seem to be loosin'em. :p
Santa Claus does it once a year, trouble is, he puts it in your stocking.:confused:
Confucius Say...

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man trapped in pantry have a$$ in jam.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

America good place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Crowded elevator smell different to Tiny Person.

Confucious say it take square a$$ to shitt a brick.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.

To make egg roll, push it.

To prevent hangover stay drunk!

War doesn't determine who's right.

War determines who's left.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Ok for shitt to happen . . . will decompose.

People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
Computer T-Shirt Slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
3. COFFEE.EXE missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
4. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
5. Buy a Pentium 4 so you can reboot faster.
6. Backups! We don' NEED no steenking backups.
7. 4 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
8. E Pluribus Modem
9. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
10. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the Etherbunny
12. Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are
13. A main-frame: The biggest PC peripheral available.
14. My software never has bugs. lt just develops undocumented features.
15. An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting
17. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
19. <-------- The information went data way
20. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
21. Best file compression around- "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
22. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
23. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
24. 11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's AMD
25. BREAKFAST.COM Halted .. Cereal Port Not Responding
26. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...Coincidence???
27. The name is Baud, James Baud.
28. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
29. BUFFERS FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go
30. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
31. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
32. Access denied! Nah nah na na nah nah!
33. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk??
34. C:\>Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
35. Ultimate office automation: Net-worked coffee.
36. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay!
37. RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
38. Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT'
39. Shell to DOS, Come in DOS, do you COPY?
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender: Insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error! Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
51. Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
52. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
53. Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
54. Press to continue ...
Condom Ad Slogans

25. Cover your stump before you hump.

24. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

23. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

22. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

21. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

20. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

19. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

18. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

17. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

16. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

15. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

14. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

12. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

11. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

10. Never ever deck her, with an unwraped pecker.

9. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

8. The right selection, is to protect your erection.

7. Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

6. A crank with armor, will never harm her.

5. If you really love her, wear a cover.

4. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

3. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

2. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

1. No glove, No love.
Cross Examining The Coroner

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Dating vs. Married

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband...... at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boobs any chance he gets

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.

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Latest profile posts

Also Hi EP and people. I found this place again while looking through a oooollllllldddd backup. I have filled over 10TB and was looking at my collection of antiques. Any bids on the 500Mhz Win 95 fix?
Any of the SP crew still out there?
Xie wrote on Electronic Punk's profile.
Impressed you have kept this alive this long EP! So many sites have come and gone. :(

Just did some crude math and I apparently joined almost 18yrs ago, how is that possible???
hello peeps... is been some time since i last came here.
Electronic Punk wrote on Sazar's profile.
Rest in peace my friend, been trying to find you and finally did in the worst way imaginable.

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