Joke of the day

[busto]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can
help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
" Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? "

He answers,
" You see, it s like this, yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

 

[pothitos]

ahhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha lolz

 

[gonaads]

Originally posted by Grinder
And Gonaads...10 C's...

Looks like were going drinking.

Heh heh

 

[Grinder714]

How do you tell if you're cat is male????

 

[gonaads]

LOL! That's funny.

 

[Henyman]

hey it's the bud cat!!!!!!!!!

 

[Henyman]

Drivers License Test

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received
on exams given by the California Department of
Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic
School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the
road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a
four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when
backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an
accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested
for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or
being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red
traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic
problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

[Henyman]

Bumper Stickers

20. Could you drive any better if I shove that cell
phone up your ass?

19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an
*******.

18. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking
to me and not you.

16. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of Places to
hide the bodies.

15. You're depriving some poor village of its idiot.

14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to
shoot them.

12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

10. All men are idiots. I married their king.

9. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle
drugs.

8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move
bodies.

6. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
home.

5. Always remember you're unique, just like everybody
else.

4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and
sue you.

3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

2. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got.

and the #1 bumper sticker of the week...

1. Honk if you want to see my finger.

 

[gonaads]

"Sh*t Happens" In Various Religions

TAOISM: Sh*t happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, "Sh*t happens."

BUDDHISM: If sh*t happens, it isn't really sh*t.

HINDUISM: This sh*t has happened before.

PROTESTANTISM: If sh*t happens, it happens to someone else.

CATHOLICISM: If sh*t happens, you deserved it.

JUDAISM: Why does sh*t always happen to US?

ISLAM: If sh*t happens, kill the person(s) responsible.

EXISTENTIALISM: Sh*t doesn't happen; sh*t is.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No sh*t happens until Armaggedon.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Sh*t evolves.

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When sh*t doesn't happen, don't call a doctor--pray.

 

[gonaads]

A Woman's Dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

 

[gonaads]

Alabama Version of Windows XP

I'm gonna get a wuppin fer this one.



Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.

Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP
tiperiter...........a word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2.................M/S accounting software with hidden files

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

 

[Grinder714]

HAHA, NICE.

 

[xsk8zerox]

Re: Alabama Version of Windows XP

Originally posted by gonaads
I'm gonna get a wuppin fer this one.



Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.

Now that is offensive to me... since i happen to live in alabama

 

[Iceman]

shoot that offensive to me cause I was born there LOL

/me playing theme from deliverence, (you shore du have a purty mouth boy). Joke

 

[xsk8zerox]

heh he changed it to offend us.. the first time i saw that joke 3 years ago it was the Texas version of win98

 

[gonaads]

If yal want I kin change that there post fer ya.

All joking aside if you wish I can remove it... so speak up and let me have it.
Or don't and enjoy it as it was ment, as a parody... with no intent on insult.

 

[xsk8zerox]

no were just messing with you nadds

 

[Grinder714]

Originally posted by Iceman
shoot that offensive to me cause I was born there LOL

/me playing theme from deliverence, (you shore du have a purty mouth boy). Joke

SQUEAL like a pig for me boy.....

 

[Grinder714]

Originally posted by gonaads
If yal want I kin change that there post fer ya.

All joking aside if you wish I can remove it... so speak up and let me have it.
Or don't and enjoy it as it was ment, as a parody... with no intent on insult.

Kinda like the origional Joke that started this thread, that was removed....but I digress.

 

[Smokie]

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped
over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".