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Warnings About Bread

belveder

OSNN Senior Addict
#1
Warnings About Bread


A recent newspaper headline read:
"Smell of baked bread may be health hazard."

The article described the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.

When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make everyone think twice about this serious issue...

THE FINDINGS:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions...

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please do your part to make the world a safer place! Send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this very crucial issue
 
#4
Newsflash..........

Recent studies showed that out of those 98 percent of bread
eaters, 100% of them regularly consumed water too......
We've been duped, it's water that's evil I tell ya.....WATER!!!
How can anyone argue with stats like that!!!!.

Even more scary is the fact that, more than 90 percent of violent
crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. It's a ruse!.
Bread is too dry to eat without water, ergo it's the Adam's ale
causing the misery again.

Remember kids.....water=baaaad. Don't drink it just cos yer
mates do, it's not big, it's not clever, and it ceratinly ain't cool.

/me hears the sound of sirens, ahhhhhh the comforting flash of red and blue...
wibble, wibble, yip, yip......deep breath and relaaaaaaax. *sigh*
 

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