Some Awesome Jokes

[kcnychief]

Lots of short ones, didn't want to break into different threads:

​

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
> So, I took her to a gas station.....
> And then the fight started....
>
> ****
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
> "Do you want to have sex?"
> "No," she answered.
> I then said,= N0"Is that your final answer?"
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And then the fight started....
>
> ********
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
> And she processed my Social Security application.
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ****
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
> And that's how the fight started ...
>
> ****
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> A nearby table.
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
> right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ****
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning.
> So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
> of his car.
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
> Little things just seem funny?
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
> 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ****
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ****
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
> And then the fight started.....
>

 

[Henyman]

there all good

 

[Peterboy]

good jokes.

 

[gonaads]

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches
his assistant.



"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he
says.



"I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."



"Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.



The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus,
how was your day?"



Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.



"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."



"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says
Seamus.



"Bravo, bravo! you're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.



"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into
the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of
clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She
spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since
I've seen a man!'"



"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do!?" asks the doctor.



"I put drops in her eyes."

:smoker:

 

[Beginning]

Hehehehe... Flawless!!!!!

 

[greentea]

Really good jokes.