Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been to about four weddings over the course of the last couple of years and it's true what I read in an etiquette book - the Best Man's speech serves to give an introduction to the Groom. You won't all know him very well and, by the time I've finished this speech, you may wish you didn't know him at all. But I do find it curious that all the Best Man speeches I've heard - without exception - blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom. And frankly, I can see no reason why this speech should be any different.
Before I start the customary character assassination of the groom, I think we all agree that abbie looks absolutely gorgeous today. Dereck, I think you've done extremely well. You've found someone who's beautiful, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring. And abbie, well, you've got ... Dereck. Who said marriage has to be a partnership of equals?
I think all went well this morning in getting Dereck ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived at the pub on time and sober. The one disappointemnt would have to failing to arrange his last request as a single man, due to strong protests from the do-gooders at the Sheep Welfare Council.
I would like to comment on how trim Dereck is looking in his suit today, from his fitness regime that's seen him do at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional - he's just been collapsing a lot though nerves and stress.
I think we all agree that abbie looks fantastic today, a number one hit if ever there was one. And dereck's looking a bit like a chart-topper himself in that suit - although I'm not sure from which year.
It's easy to see from today that Dereck, impeccably dressed, has always been an image-conscious sort of guy. In fact, he once admitted to me that his favourite forms of entertainment were TV, Playstation and mirrors - in reverse order.
Dereck and abbie, I don't feel I can stand up here and commit you to married bliss without offering you this one crucial piece of guidance for the years ahead - the remote control is Dereck's, and Dereck's alone!
Dereck, in abbie you have someone who is absolutely fantastic, who deserves a good husband who'll love and cherish her, as she deserves. I just hope she’ll find you a satisfactory alternative.
TELEGRAM! To Mr D cruchlow: In response to your enquiry, there is no such thing as the Married Man’s Beer Allowance. Please stop wasting our time – The Nottingham Tax Office.
To bring things to a conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincerely apologies.
On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances - although I selfishly wish you hadn't made quite such an effort to get here because things would have been much easier on me. Nevertheless, it now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Dereck and abbie - Mr and Mrs Crutchlow. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy marriage. To Dereck & abbie!
There are obviously two other very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast - to the bar staff!
And don’t forget that marriage ain’t a word…it’s a sentence! Good night, everybody!
Ep, glad to see you come back and tidy up...did want to ask a one day favor, I want to enhance my resume , was hoping you could make me administrator for a day, if so, take me right off since I won't be here to do anything, and don't know the slightest about the board, but it would be nice putting "served administrator osnn", if can do, THANKS