Joke of the day.

here we go.........

A piece of string walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barkeep says "Get out. We don't serve pieces of string here." The piece of string goes around the corner, ties a knot in his middle and unravels his ends. It goes back into the bar and again asks for a pint. The barkeep says "Are you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" The piece of string says "I'm a frayed knot."

boom boom :D
 
COMPUTER TERMS - Hillbilly Translation:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole.
 
Heh Lonman, reminds me of home in winter!!

How long did Cain hate his brother? - ? - As long as he was able

What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOON!!!!!!!!!!

Two peanuts walk into a bar........... One was a salted

I saw a man stealing gates the other day... I didnt want to say anything incase he too a fence!

:) :)

Thats my dutys done for another day Lol :D
 
well i've got a few Murphyesque Laws..

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
In fact, just leave me the **** alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
^^^ Good ones guys
laugh.gif



A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
 
A blind man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He says to the bartender, "You want to hear a good blonde joke?" The bartender says, "Well, sir, I myself am a blonde and I really wouldn't appreciate it. And the man sitting next to you is about 265 lbs. and is also a blonde. Then the man behind you is a good 285 lbs. who just happens to be a blonde too. So let me ask you sir, do you really want to tell that blonde joke?" The blind man said, “No. I don't feel like explaining it three times!" :eek:
 
Originally posted by Lonman
I saw this thread in another forum and thought it would make a good edition here. But please, use some decorum - some of you have already offended my dog, Cat. :p

My first offering (stolen of course)>>>>>
An example of a phone call to tech support;
Operator: "Welcome to our customer care, my name is Melvin Sitshere. Could I have your "Customer ID?"
Customer: (whispering) "How do I change to the windows directory in DOS?"
Operator: "Cee-dee-space-windows and press enter. Could I have your "Username and Client ID?"
Customer: "How do I display the contents of a directory?"
Operator: "Dee-eye-ar-ur. I need your..........."
Customer: (still whispering) "How do I delete a file?"
Operator: (alarmed): "Wait a minute, wait a minute, don't be hasty. You don't want to go deleting files from the windows directory unless you're sure you know what they are for!"
Customer: "I'm not deleting files."
Operator: (curious) "Then what in the world are you doing?"
Customer: (quieter than ever) "I'm doing a test."
Woulda been funnier if it ended with "I'm taking my MCSE exam"...
/L.A
 
^^^ seen that one somewhere already, lol. :p

President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President. "Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy. Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"
 
ummm welll,

A guy walks into the Doctor's Office with a Frog on his head.

The Doctor says "Oh Hello, what can I do for you today?"

The Frog says "Well you can start by removing this bump from my ass."

No?

I'll make some up then.....hmmm...ok

Two Elephants driving down the road in a Ford Escort all coked up and a little paranoid at the moment. After a short amount of time, a squad car begins to follow closely behind. The one Elephant is really freaking out and is sweating profusely and his teeth are chattering. The other Elephant says "Bro, what ya worried about we've got nothing on us!" The worried Elephant says "Yes, but what if he wants to look in my Trunk?"

hahahahaha

Q:What is worse than having sex with your dog?
A:When she compares you to a Chihuahua.

Q:What is the best way to make sure that your Vasectomy worked?
A:It'll sink?

I hope I don't get banned for that.
 
What's the easiest way to keep an idiot in suspense?

???
 
hahah, won't ban you this time ;)

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Smack his face in with a crowbar.
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you'll follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you'll find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
 
on my bithday I went out to see a new sunrise................................................................................................................................eventually it dawned on me
 
...lol...

There were all these fish in a tank, one of them says..."does anyone know how to drive this thing..."

Sorry.
 
Pretty funny, comes from my inbox

God Created the Computer

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced microcomputers into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

Author Unknown
 
One more

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
 

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Also Hi EP and people. I found this place again while looking through a oooollllllldddd backup. I have filled over 10TB and was looking at my collection of antiques. Any bids on the 500Mhz Win 95 fix?
Any of the SP crew still out there?
Xie wrote on Electronic Punk's profile.
Impressed you have kept this alive this long EP! So many sites have come and gone. :(

Just did some crude math and I apparently joined almost 18yrs ago, how is that possible???
hello peeps... is been some time since i last came here.
Electronic Punk wrote on Sazar's profile.
Rest in peace my friend, been trying to find you and finally did in the worst way imaginable.

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