Joke of the day

[Alan]

An absolute classic!!!

A man fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand
all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

A nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, she pulled
down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she
was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left. The guy woke up, brushed the
sand away and left, not knowing what happened.

The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the
Doctor and after an exam the doctor told him he had syphilis of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that unusual?"

The doctor said "Yes, but if you think that's rare, I had a woman in here
this morning with athlete's tw@t."

 

[gonaads]

What's in a Name

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern red neck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

 

[Grinder714]

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs and Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything!

 

[gonaads]

God's Diet...

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.

And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert.

And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

And Satan created HMOs...

 

[Wrathchild]

Here's a good one...

AMD.


hahahahahaha

 

[gonaads]

Hey Wrathchild, Did you mean:

[SIZE=+2]A[/SIZE]LL [SIZE=+2]M[/SIZE]INDLESS [SIZE=+2]D[/SIZE]RIBBLE

 

[Iceman]

!k gonaads for goofing off

oooops wrong channel

 

[gonaads]

Wait till I wipe yer butt all over the Monopoly Board.

 

[Alan]

A blonde girl comes back from school one evening.

She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to
count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today
at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far
as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went
swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at
me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D t!ts at her mum. "Is that
because I'm blonde, mummy?"


"No darling, it's because you're 25."

 

[Alan]

Another blonde joke


A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.



The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."



The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?"



The blonde said, "No, just up to my t!ts."

 

[Alan]

Another blonde joke


A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.



The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."



The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?"



The blonde said, "No, just up to my t!ts."

 

[Henyman]

repeat allan^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[rick_422]

what is it called when a brunette stands between two blondes?


a translator...

i think thats how it goes
sorry if its already been posted

cheers

 

[Alan]

Originally posted by henyman
repeat allan^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ermmmmmm Don't know how that happened??

 

[Alan]

Originally posted by henyman
repeat allan^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ermmmmmm Don't know how that happened??

 

[gonaads]

Another Blonde Joke

What do you get when you turn a Blonde upside down???













A Brunette with bad breath.

 

[gonaads]

Drinking Too Much Coffee?

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at a coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* All your kids are named "Joe".
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

 

[gonaads]

Dumped Boyfriend's Revenge

Two high school sweethearts.. blah blah blah.. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

[gonaads]

Ethnic Version of Survivor

There was a little known spinoff of the popular Survivor show, entitled Ethnic Survivor.

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people were stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh woman
2 Scottish men and 1 Scottish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.
Both Welsh men are searching the island for sheep.
The Scots began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

 

[Henyman]

lol gonaad's u da man, keep em cumin!!!!!!!!!!