- Joined
- 9 Jun 2002
- Messages
- 9,606
Home Free
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of
the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not
finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband,
crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She
asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us
together, when you were 16? Remember he said that I
had a choice, I could either marry you, or be sent away
to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from
prison today."
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of
the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not
finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband,
crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She
asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us
together, when you were 16? Remember he said that I
had a choice, I could either marry you, or be sent away
to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from
prison today."
- Joined
- 9 Jun 2002
- Messages
- 9,606
here we go smokie...
Blind Rabbit and Blind Snake
A blind rabbit and a blind snake bumped into each other
while traveling through the forest.
Blind rabbit: Excuse me, but I am blind. I intended no
offense.
Blind snake: No problem, I am also blind. What kind of
animal are you?
Blind rabbit: I don't know. I have never seen myself.
What kind of animal are you?
Blind snake: I don't know either. Why don't we do each
other a favor. I will feel you and tell you what kind
of animal you are, and then you will do the same for
me.
They both agreed so the blind snake slithered up and
down the blind rabbit's body, and was able to determine
what the blind rabbit was.
Blind snake: I have good news for you. You are warm,
and fuzzy. You have a furry little tale, and long soft
ears. You must be bunny rabbit.
The blind rabbit was very happy and then began feeling
the blind snake.
Blind rabbit: I have bad news for you. You're low to
the ground, you're slimy, and you have a forked tongue.
You're long and thin, and you feel just like a pecker
without balls. You're a lawyer.
Blind Rabbit and Blind Snake
A blind rabbit and a blind snake bumped into each other
while traveling through the forest.
Blind rabbit: Excuse me, but I am blind. I intended no
offense.
Blind snake: No problem, I am also blind. What kind of
animal are you?
Blind rabbit: I don't know. I have never seen myself.
What kind of animal are you?
Blind snake: I don't know either. Why don't we do each
other a favor. I will feel you and tell you what kind
of animal you are, and then you will do the same for
me.
They both agreed so the blind snake slithered up and
down the blind rabbit's body, and was able to determine
what the blind rabbit was.
Blind snake: I have good news for you. You are warm,
and fuzzy. You have a furry little tale, and long soft
ears. You must be bunny rabbit.
The blind rabbit was very happy and then began feeling
the blind snake.
Blind rabbit: I have bad news for you. You're low to
the ground, you're slimy, and you have a forked tongue.
You're long and thin, and you feel just like a pecker
without balls. You're a lawyer.
B
busto
Guest
Found this somewhere....
An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man
says to his wife "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding
anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and
blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about: Tell
the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
" She hesitates a moment, then says "Yes, 3 times, Sidney."
"Three times?" How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly "Well, do you remember right
after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going
to
foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.
Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker
one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"That's hard to take" the man says "but I guess it really was
for us, so I can forgive you."
"What was the second time?"
"Well," she continued "do you remember years later when you
almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the
operation?"
"Yes of course" the man replies.
" Then you will remember that right after I went to see the
doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" she explained.
"That's true" Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha, but I do
understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you.
"So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowers her head and says "Sidney, do you remember when
you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes?"
The man fainted
An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man
says to his wife "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding
anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and
blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about: Tell
the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
" She hesitates a moment, then says "Yes, 3 times, Sidney."
"Three times?" How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly "Well, do you remember right
after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going
to
foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.
Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker
one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"That's hard to take" the man says "but I guess it really was
for us, so I can forgive you."
"What was the second time?"
"Well," she continued "do you remember years later when you
almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the
operation?"
"Yes of course" the man replies.
" Then you will remember that right after I went to see the
doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" she explained.
"That's true" Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha, but I do
understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you.
"So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowers her head and says "Sidney, do you remember when
you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes?"
The man fainted
G
Grinder714
Guest
ROFL 
B
busto
Guest
I just read this one...It might get yanked but it's worth the try...
yes I yanked it, if u know it's questionable, why put it up then ?
I thought it was funny as well, though, Iceman out
yes I yanked it, if u know it's questionable, why put it up then ?
I thought it was funny as well, though, Iceman out
G
Grinder714
Guest
HAHA, nice
That one is gone....
G
Grinder714
Guest
Good to be a man.....
Good to be a man.....
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
The National College Cheerleading Championship.
If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
You can be President.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work... more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't cry off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties beat the $hit over bridal showers.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small animal is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'
Baywatch.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
Good to be a man.....
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
The National College Cheerleading Championship.
If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
You can be President.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work... more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't cry off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties beat the $hit over bridal showers.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small animal is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'
Baywatch.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
Come on guys, don't post jokes like that one plz, while I did think it was funny as well, I can't allow it to stay.
Thanks, if u think the joke is borderline, probably should err on the side of caution. I liked the joke myself, but I don't want my 13 year old daughter to read it.
Thanks, if u think the joke is borderline, probably should err on the side of caution. I liked the joke myself, but I don't want my 13 year old daughter to read it.
B
busto
Guest
Sorry about that Ice I figured it wouldn't last but i couldn't resist it was too good ..I knew at least a couple of people would see it and that's all i wanted...just make a few of you smile
..I knew at least a couple of people would see it and that's all i wanted...just make a few of you smile
G
Grinder714
Guest
I'm still ....
- Joined
- 31 Mar 2002
- Messages
- 18,474
Cartoon Characters on Drugs
Here are the top five cartoon characters most likely to use drugs:
5. Olive Oyl - Probably Dexatrim abuse; maybe some amphetamines.
4. He-Man - This is an easy one. Roid monkey No. 1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!" Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that, he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger - animal abuse.
3. Yogi and Boo - We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to their cave and trip.
2. Daffy Duck - Definitly using crack. He is so wired, he bounces around on his head without pain and blows his beak off all the time.
1. Shaggy - By far the No. 1 suspect. His cloths, his hair, his bad goatee and the boy converses with dogs. All of this is nothing until you consider the munchie factor. Anybody who consumes 9.3 dog treats per episode must smoke weed.
Here are the top five cartoon characters most likely to use drugs:
5. Olive Oyl - Probably Dexatrim abuse; maybe some amphetamines.
4. He-Man - This is an easy one. Roid monkey No. 1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!" Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that, he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger - animal abuse.
3. Yogi and Boo - We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to their cave and trip.
2. Daffy Duck - Definitly using crack. He is so wired, he bounces around on his head without pain and blows his beak off all the time.
1. Shaggy - By far the No. 1 suspect. His cloths, his hair, his bad goatee and the boy converses with dogs. All of this is nothing until you consider the munchie factor. Anybody who consumes 9.3 dog treats per episode must smoke weed.
- Joined
- 31 Mar 2002
- Messages
- 18,474
Cats and Teenagers
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
G
Grinder714
Guest
Damn, how true is that ffs
I have 2 cats and a soon to be 16 year old daughter...
No wonder im going nutz
I have 2 cats and a soon to be 16 year old daughter...
No wonder im going nutz
N
Not Bman
Guest
lol
G
Grinder714
Guest
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his question she was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his question she was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
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Xie wrote on Electronic Punk's profile.
Impressed you have kept this alive this long EP! So many sites have come and gone.
Just did some crude math and I apparently joined almost 18yrs ago, how is that possible???
Just did some crude math and I apparently joined almost 18yrs ago, how is that possible???
Electronic Punk wrote on Sazar's profile.
Rest in peace my friend, been trying to find you and finally did in the worst way imaginable.