We Are Men - Deal with it!

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by PseudoKiller, Jun 11, 2002.

  1. PseudoKiller

    PseudoKiller Zug Zug

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    We Are Men - Deal with it!

    We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - well now hear the guys' side -

    These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

    1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

    1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

    1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, birdies and NASCAR.

    1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

    1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

    1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
    your dress?

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Check your oil! . Please.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, NOTE BOTH. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

    1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.

    For all those in a relationship and need support from time to time...

    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
  2. Jewelzz

    Jewelzz OSNN Godlike Veteran

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  3. PseudoKiller

    PseudoKiller Zug Zug

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  4. Jebay

    Jebay Guest

    Uh - Oh, I think you might have pissed her off...:p :D
     
  5. Friend of Bill

    Friend of Bill What, me worry?

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    1. When I crush my beer can, that is the signal I want another.
     
  6. Khayman

    Khayman I'm sorry Hal... Political User Folding Team

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    'bout time someone addressed the balance :D
     
  7. Jewelzz

    Jewelzz OSNN Godlike Veteran

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    I should train your dog to get the next beer :p
     
  8. [CpK]Bastid

    [CpK]Bastid Guest

    about the toilet seat....why even bother putting it up?
     
  9. emmie-chan

    emmie-chan Guest

    LOL. if only life were that simple :D

    hehe... check this out. it's sorta on topic:

    THE SECRETS OF WOMEN'S LANGUAGE
    Key Words and Their Meaning

    FINE: This is used at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

    FIVE MINUTES: This is a half hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/basketball/soccer *keke* game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

    NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine."

    GO AHEAD: This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

    LOUD SIGH: Often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "nothing."

    SOFT SIGH: One of the few things men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe and she will stay content.

    OH: Followed by any statement means TROUBLE. EXAMPLE: "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night." If this happens, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out of the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as a lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it or you will get raised eyebrows "go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

    THAT'S OKAY: One of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. It means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with "fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead." At some point in the near future, when she had plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

    PLEASE DO: An offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatver excuse/reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "that's okay."

    THANKS: Just say "You're welcome."

    THANKS A LOT: This is said when a woman is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way and will be followed by the "loud sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing."
     
  10. joeblogs

    joeblogs Guest

    ?

    To much of that sound familiar, "You've been listening to my wife talk to me haven't you?

    I get: Do what you want you're going to anyway! or Do what you want i don't care!
     
  11. stuy_b

    stuy_b Guest

    Emmie.. you made me laugh so much.. good post babe :D
     
  12. Gouk

    Gouk Guest

    Yeah emmie-chan that post of yours cracked me up too :)
     
  13. emmie-chan

    emmie-chan Guest

    :D sad part is... it describes exactly how i use those words when talking to my ex-bf.
     
  14. Bootsy

    Bootsy Huh?

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    wow that post was great my cheeks hurt from laughing cause its true =]
     
  15. Geffy

    Geffy Moderator Folding Team

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    I think Loaded and Cosmopolitan did a think like that bargaining for male and female rights I will dig it out and post it.
     
  16. Bootsy

    Bootsy Huh?

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    It was Maxim and Cosmo =]
     
  17. stuy_b

    stuy_b Guest

    Awww Emmie ;)
     
  18. Jewelzz

    Jewelzz OSNN Godlike Veteran

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    There is no guessing to what I'm saying...Heh, I tell it like it is especially if I'm mad :p
     
  19. Geffy

    Geffy Moderator Folding Team

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    This is a summurisation of the MAXIM/COSMO Treaty


    Odd numbered proposals are from MAXIM and even numbered ones are from COSMO




    1. "A discussion of problems you're having with another girlfriend may only be inflicted on a guy for five minutes a day."
    This was agreed, three minutes extra were allowed to bring guy up to speed on the saga.

    2. "Men must put a reasonable amount of thought into buying presents."
    This was only agreed if the woman writes a list of what she wants, no cheap imitations to be accepted.

    3. "Staring at Tits & Arses will be tolerated as long as it is not to obvious"
    Agreed but Head cant move more than 30 degrees, eyes can then travel the rest of the way. Also women are allowed to flirt with firemen.

    4. "Men must commit birthdays and anniversaries to memory"
    Agreed but only the 1 year anniversary, others such as the first date, first kiss, and others are forfeit

    5. "No sex act can be critised unless its been tried"
    Women get veto power over backdoor and multiple partners, but they have to initiate dirty talk but the guys may not think of them as "Dirty Sluts"

    6. "Be more honest when you go out with the guys"
    Guys have to be honest about what they are going to be doing, and time of return, they no longer have to call home, but for every hour from your original return time you are late, you owe an hour of massage.

    7. "When a couple is watching TV and the girls mother or friend calls, shes required to go into another room for the duration of the call"
    Guys have to vacate room for Sex and the City, women cant talk while a guy is watching sports

    8. "Men must refrain from suggesting sex as the solutionto every single problem"
    Women try sex with us first then if that doesnt work, buy shoes or whatever, then we are willing to talk about it. We will do anything to make you feel better. Ballroom Dancing is excluded.

    9. "A guys friend cannot be condemned because of one drunken episode"
    For every additional episode, guy has to spend one evening putting up with womans lonely single girlfriend.

    10. "When a man lies and has been royally busted, he must not continue to lie"
    Agreed, but women must remain calm when discussing points of contention. Also no double jeopardy, past events may not be brought up.

    11. "Oral Sex needs to work on a 50-50 basis. We'll keep a chart by the phone"
    This was agreed on a duration basis initially, but then the cosmo girls came to their senses and opted for orgasm. Also the chart goes by the fridge not the phone.

    12. "No more leaving little piles of change everywhere"
    Maxim asked what the alternative was "carrying purses around?", no way.
    Cosmo girls also said that jug full of change is not a conversation piece, this was deflected by bringing up Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals.
    Eventually agreed, They can have our change but they cannot spend it in front of us.

    13. "If a girl doesnt wear lingerie at least once a month, she cant expect her man to buy her any more"
    Agreed, but no cheap synthetic, rubber or french maids outfits. Also guy has to go out and buy it himself. Also he must get the size right, err on the small side.

    14. "Do not point out peoples embarrassing flaws in public"
    Guys cant stare or say something about flaws on women, but we are allowed to do it about men, lets face its who we are.

    15. "Men will happily engage in relationship talks, as long as we're not en route to an orgasm, operating heavy machinery, or watching the game"
    Agreed as long as guys dont break news like, "I'm skipping town next weekend, the weekend your of your sisters

    wedding" at inappropriate times like in the middle of a crowd so they cant make a scene, or when they are running out of the door late for work.

    16. "Men may not take a girls number at a bar if they have no intention of using it."
    Failed, women want men to reject them flat out, we dont want to be in the same room when rejection occurs. Women therefore reserve the right to give out fake numbers.

    17. "On weekends a guy must be allowed to re-wear clothes and not shave. Additionally, women may never throw away

    any of a guys clothes without express written permission."
    Agreed so long as the guy has one "approved" suit for special occasions. Also if a guy is given advice on hair and

    clothes he must not take it as nagging, let them help you, it is their version of programming a DVD or fixing a stereo.

    18. "A man may never grab a hunk of flab on a womans body, no matter how small and say, "I Love this!""
    Agreed, but if a guy has a long schlong tell him its big all the time, if its small lie and say its big.

    19. "Women must be ready on time."
    If women are given enough time to be ready then they will be, but for every 15 mins late they owe one BJ. But guys may not set the clocks forward.

    20. "Men must change the toilet roll when it is finished."
    Agreed to put it on the dispenser, women also dont want magasines in the bathroom, this was not relented, we can keep our mags.

    21. "Men will be able to explain themselves with the phrase "Just because' six times a year"
    Agreed, but women can use the "I'm PMS'ing" guys cannot ask if they are PMS'ing. So blokes have 6 get out of jail free cards and women get a get out of jail free card once a month.

    22. "Men must fix things around the house within one week of the breakage"
    Agreed as long as the woman doesnt play supervisor and hover over the guy. Women are allowed periodic checkins though.
     
  20. emmie-chan

    emmie-chan Guest

    LOL. i have the Cosmo issue that was printed in... well, actually, it's in the newspaper recycle bin, ready to be... well, recycled. it was funny when i read it thoe. :)