Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Lukas, Jul 7, 2004.

  1. Lukas

    Lukas Real Name No Gimmicks

    160 Years Old

    A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

    "Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

    "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

    "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

    2 People In One Grave?
    A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

    "Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

    Carl Lewis He Ain't

    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

    The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

    Did you make a donation?

    At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

    He calls up the lawyer.

    "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

    The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

    The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

    "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

    The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

    "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

    The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

    "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"