How to Poop at work ( educational )

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by AndrejX, Nov 1, 2002.

  1. AndrejX

    AndrejX Guest

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
    our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try
    to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
    hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump
    at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
    pleasure.

    ESCAPEE.
    Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
    passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
    acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
    farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee,
    it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
    This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
    happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
    bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH.
    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the
    poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
    location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME.
    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
    just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
    that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
    FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will
    often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
    magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
    Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
    Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
    pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
    whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS.
    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
    least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
    bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR:
    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
    occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
    avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH.
    Definition: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
    that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
    alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
    an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE.
    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
    that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
    occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON.
    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
    water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET.
    Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in
    the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
    with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED.
    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
    extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
    Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
    always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
    as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY.
    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
    check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
    back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
     
  2. New Disease

    New Disease Whatever...

    Messages:
    416
    priceless

    :D:D
     
  3. Nick M

    Nick M Moderator

    Messages:
    3,961
    awsome. im laughing so hard my stomach is hurting !
     
  4. funky dredd

    funky dredd Moderator

    Messages:
    2,346
    Location:
    Florida
    Oh my god that was so funny! Well done!!
    ---applause---
     
  5. Bootsy

    Bootsy Huh?

    Messages:
    1,124
    Location:
    Miami, Fl
    lmao
     
  6. damnyank

    damnyank I WILL NOT FORGET 911

    Messages:
    2,359
    Location:
    Petal, Mississippi
    I know I am terrible for doing this - but I thought about it yesterday and the urge is just too much - I have got to say it:

    No $hit!! :D :D :D
     
  7. ZAnwar

    ZAnwar Guest

    that was good!