How To Be A Man

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by GoNz0, Aug 31, 2004.

  1. GoNz0

    GoNz0 NTFS Stoner

    the year 2525
    1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
    it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
    men's work.

    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
    makes you the man

    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
    tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
    crippling the man. Magic.

    Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
    you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
    -noisy destruction.

    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
    and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
    towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
    struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
    burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
    just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
    hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
    share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
    "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
    handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
    Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
    you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of
    the pub doesn't know that.

    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
    blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
    Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
    with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
    then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
    plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
    thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
    straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
    then.Seven. Seeya."

    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
    that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
    you the worlds best driver.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
    the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there
    in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
    the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't
    make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
    mad, bint?"

    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right,
    i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
    man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in

    ZeroHour likes this.
  2. Lee

    Lee OSNN Proxy

    [qoute]4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?
    Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
    [/quote]Ended up with having to have my thumb stitched back on trying that when I was 8, I think boys would rather try that a man would be more cautious unless sunder the influence.
  3. Khayman

    Khayman I'm sorry Hal... Political User Folding Team

    Those are damn funny GoNz0 :D, a needless to say all true :)
  4. XPos

    XPos OSNN Addict

    No matter what country you're in, power tools will always give you a manly status. The bigger they are the better you feel. Can I get a couple of manly grunts.
  5. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Yep they all be true :D
  6. Steevo

    Steevo Spammer representing. Political User Folding Team

    I call most people son or JR.