So this is Christmas? A little early, but what the heck. Little Johnny was a mean, arrogant, foul-mouthed brat, and his father was tired of it. Christmas was coming, so he gave his son an ultimatum: "Behave yourself and you'll get what you want for Christmas; or keep acting like a jerk and you'll get a pile of dog crap instead of a gift." Little Johnny couldn't help himself when he told his dad what he wanted for Christmas. It was habitual. "I want a bloody teddy bear laying right here beside me when I wake up on Christmas morning," Johnny said. "Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a train going around the poxy tree, and when I go outside I expect to see a new sodding bicycle leaning up against the goddamn garage!" On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog crap. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog crap around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage. When he walked back into the house, his dad smiled and asked, "So, Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Little Johnny replied, "Beats the hell out of me. I think I got a f***ing dog but I can't find him." The Top 10 Christmas Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't: 10. Did you get any under the tree? 9. I think your balls are hanging too low. 8. Check out Rudolph's honker! 7. Santa's sack is really bulging. 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath. 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat? And the No.1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn't: 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall. ======================================= Dear Santa, You must be really surprised that I'm writing to you today. I would like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. Filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter over the summer. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you. There was no one in my entire neighborhood who behaved better than I did. I did errands for my neighbors, and I even helped the elderly cross the street. There is virtually nothing within reach that I wouldn't do for humanity.What balls do you have leaving me a damn yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks! What the hell were you thinking, you fat s.o.b? As if you hadn't screwed me enough, you gave that little homo across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his bedroom! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big, fat ass down our chimney next year! I'll mess you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer, and scare them away. Then, you'll have to walk back home just like I do, since you didn't give me a f***ing bike! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really be, you fat barsteward! Little Johnny.