Dear Tech Support (Classic)

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Static 99, Apr 17, 2002.

  1. Static 99

    Static 99 Guest

    Just received this from a i guess not so happely married friend.
    It's an old one, but i post it anyway.

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
    noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing
    that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention
    of this was included with the product information.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
    and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors
    all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
    10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing
    7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
    to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back
    to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
    Please help! Thanks,

    A Troubled User


    Dear Troubled User,

    This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is
    due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade
    from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an
    Utilities and Entertainment program.

    Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
    creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife
    1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files
    cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

    It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
    files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
    Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
    Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
    with more problems than in the original system. Look in your
    Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support".

    I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
    situation. I suggest installing the background application
    program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having
    installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the
    entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)".

    You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems
    that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that
    GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28
    days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command
    C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES_DEAR because
    ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before
    the system will return to normal anyway.

    Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the
    blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to
    require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several
    support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which
    replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very
    careful how you use these programs.

    Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
    Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the
    performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I
    recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
    WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install
    Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported
    by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating

    Best of luck.
    Tech Support
  2. xsivforce

    xsivforce Prodigal Son Folding Team

    Texas, USA
    Lol. It didn't say anything about a Girlfriend 7.0 usb peripheral . ;)

    USB= un seen babe
  3. Kirrie2001

    Kirrie2001 Guest

    Beaut static, will have to de-frag my system, as most files are now obsolete.
  4. LeeMedic

    LeeMedic Guest

    Good One Static 99. I needed the laugh! Keep 'em coming!
  5. Electronic Punk

    Electronic Punk Administrator Staff Member Political User Folding Team

    Copenhagen, Denmark
    I prefer virtual escort 9.01, cept I would recommend having any popular antivirus installed, you dont know where it's been.
  6. Khayman

    Khayman I'm sorry Hal... Political User Folding Team

    Variation on the same

    Upgrading to Wife 1.0

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
    Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

    Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    A "don't remind me again" button.
    Minimize button.
    Ability to delete the "headache" file
    An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
    An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
    I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

    To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!


    All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

    FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

    Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.
    Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

    I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??