Comedy one liners from Edinburgh festival

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by ZeroHour, Feb 13, 2006.

  1. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

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    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
    Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy
    Carr

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
    bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
    our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

    The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
    sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
    was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
    sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
    were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

    My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
    was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the
    Underbelly

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
    because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
    flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
    Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

    The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
    punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
    the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the
    Tron

    I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
    Girl out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

    Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
    out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
    winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly
    Rooms

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
    hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
    the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
    plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34

    Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon
    Burns at the Pleasance

    I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
    got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand

    It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
    Chris Addison at the Pleasance

    I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
    very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
    then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
    trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly