Beers For Geeks

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by seeme, Jul 22, 2002.

  1. seeme

    seeme Guest

    Here i am trying to write a newsletter for my uni, and im trying to find a decent short joke to put in it, and its stuffed! all the net jokes are stupid. god damn it! i can only find stuff like this :p

    Beers For Geeks

    DOS Beer:
    Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

    MAC Beer:
    At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

    Windows 95 Beer:
    The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

    Windows 98 Beer:
    See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

    Windows 2000 Beer:
    A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

    Windows NT Beer:
    Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

    Unix Beer:
    Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

    AmigaOS Beer:
    The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
  2. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Birmingham, UK
    Moved to The Lounge- s00per m00deration techniques...

  3. G-Money

    G-Money Big Air

    Springfield Mo
  4. Sagima

    Sagima Guest

    Two of my favourites (though in no way computer related they are quite short)


    Two fish in a tank - one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"


    Two parrots on a perch - one says to the other "can you smell something fishy?"
  5. Friend of Bill

    Friend of Bill What, me worry?

    Ten crows on a fence, the farmer shoots one, how many are left?
  6. vdubVR6

    vdubVR6 Guest

    none......:D hehe

    i havent heard that one in a while......
  7. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

    Santa Clara, CA
  8. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Try this one:

    US Army Rejects Windows XP

    Microsoft refused to comment today on the U.S. Army's return of the customized version of Windows XP that was purchased by the military to be loaded onto the Army's new S.C.P.B.C.D. units. These units are the Army's answer to continual requests from battlefield commanders for a Self Contained Personal Battlefield Computing Device. These devices are to allow battle field Commanders to keep in touch with their troops at all times, and so the troops can relay field intelligence back to command for continuous theatre of operation awareness.

    It seems that when the Army test-loaded the customized operating system into their S.C.P.B.C.D.'s, it refused to allow the operators to install device drivers for the cellular modem unless the driver was digitally signed by Microsoft. This, among other installation problems were eventually corrected and the real testing began.

    The military has never been one to accept off-the-shelf consumer products for use by their troops, so in an attempt to overcome this, some changes were made to the XP operating system, as shown below.


    Some users said they enjoyed the updated interface in comparison to the standard monochromatic interface previously used on the prototype S.C.P.B.C.D.'s. Others claimed the new interface made them "queasy". Due to size limitations, the new units are only available with a 4-inch wide by 3-inch tall LCD screen, which is not optimal for displaying the graphic heavy Windows interface, and as such makes effectively communicating intelligence reports quite difficult indeed. The soldiers who were randomly selected for the tests also complained about the fact that the units lack a private and secure messaging system to communicate with since the default messaging system routes their intelligence reports through MSN. As of the end of the testing there was not a fix for this, yet Microsoft had promised "Soon, really, we mean it.".

    Apparently the fixes did not come soon enough as the Army cancelled the tests and returned all of the licensed copies to Microsoft stating that "At this time, we feel the software has yet to catch up with the hardware, and we are moving back to our Unix based systems."

    An odd twist in this story is that Microsoft is reportedly considering legal action against the U.S. Army on the count of software piracy. Sources which wished to remain annonymous stated that the software giant claims that the Army is still using the customized operating system in it's continued tests. The Army representative we spoke with claims they are not pirating software, it's just that they can't get the software to uninstall properly.
  9. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Nothing more

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
    Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
    Having reached the bottom line,
    I took a floppy from the drawer.
    Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
    and waited for the disk to store,
    Only this and nothing more.

    Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
    Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
    more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
    One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
    Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The
    cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
    Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From Choose
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    With my fingers pale and trembling
    Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee
    Timidly I pressed a key.
    But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
    Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
    I pressed again, but twice as hard.
    I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
    Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
    Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading,
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine, accosted
    Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
    night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The
    lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    To this day I do not know
    The place to which lost data goes.
    What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
    Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
    But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
    You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
  10. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    lmao,there all great, will post sum when i got this space