12 Valid Excuses for Avoiding Coming in to Work 1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. 3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. 4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. 5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. 6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.... 7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb. 8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. 9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. 11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. 12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.