100 Blonde jokes

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by ZeroHour, Dec 8, 2004.

  1. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Messages:
    1,118
    Location:
    Scotland
    lots of them you will have heard but what the hey :D

    1.
    Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and a blonde?
    A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

    2.
    Q. What does a blonde say after having sex ?
    A. What team do you guys play for !

    3.
    Q. What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
    A. They both get ****** by eight men while on holiday.

    4.
    Q. What's the difference between Gorbachev and a blonde ?
    A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that ****** him !

    5.
    Q. What do blondes use for protection during sex?
    A. Bus Shelters.

    6.
    Q. How does a blonde turn the light out after sex?
    A. She shuts the car's door.

    7.
    Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
    A. Shine a torch into her ear...

    8.
    Q. How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
    A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

    9.
    Q. Why does a blonde wear knickers?
    A. To keep her ankles warm.

    10.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board ?
    A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

    11.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?
    A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

    12.
    Q.. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and a blonde?
    A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

    13.
    Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
    A. They both drip when ******.

    14.
    Q. Why do blondes use tampons with long strings?
    A. So the crabs can go bungee jumping..........

    15.
    Q. How do you know when a blonde has an orgasm?
    A. She drops her bag of chips.

    16.
    Q. What does a blonde do with her **** after sex?
    A. She takes him down the pub.

    17.
    Q. How many blondes does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
    A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the M&M's.

    18.
    Q. What's the similarity between a blonde and a dog's turd?
    A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up

    19.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
    A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.

    20.
    Q. Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
    A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

    21.
    Q. What's the similarity between blondes and carpenters
    A. They both have saws in their box

    22.
    Q. What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
    A. Is it mine?

    23.
    Q. Why was the blonde so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
    A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"

    24.
    Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
    A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday

    25.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge?
    A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

    26.
    Q. Why does a blonde drool?
    A. Because she is full.

    27.
    Q. How do you tell when a blonde is having her period?
    A. She's only wearing one sock.

    28.
    Q. What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?
    A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

    29.
    Q. What does the label in a blondes knickers say ?
    A. NEXT!

    30.
    Q. What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and blondes ?
    A. Both go down in Tenerife.

    31.
    Q. Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
    A. Red means stop.

    32.
    Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    A. You can park in the handicapped spots.

    33.
    Q. Why do blondes wear so much hair spray?
    A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.

    34.
    Q. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
    A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.

    35.
    Q. If a blonde and a brunette jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
    A. The brunette ; the blonde would have to stop to ask directions.

    36.
    Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
    A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

    37.
    Q. What does it mean if you see a blonde with square boobs?
    A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

    38.
    Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
    A. More head room.

    39.
    Q. Why don't blondes like pickles?
    A. They can't get their head in the jar.

    40.
    Q. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
    A. Goes home.

    41.
    Q. What's the mating call of a blonde?
    A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!

    42.
    Q. What's the mating call of a brunette?
    A. Are all the blondes gone?

    43.
    Q. What do blondes and computers have in common?
    A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.

    44.
    Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a Cream Egg
    A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg!

    45.
    Q. How is a blonde like a beer bottle?
    A. They are both empty from the neck up.

    46.
    Q. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
    A. Gifted!

    47.
    Q. What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?
    A. A Golden Retriever!

    48.
    Q. Why is a blonde like a turtle?
    A. They both get ****** when they're on their back.

    49.
    Q. Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
    A. Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

    50.
    Q. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
    A. Tits Go In Front.

    51.
    Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
    A. Her ankles.

    52.
    Q. What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
    A. "Have another beer."

    53.
    Q. What's a blonde's favorite wine?
    A "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"

    54.
    Q. What do you call a blonde with a pound coin on the top of her head?
    A. All you can eat, under a quid.

    55.
    Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
    A. Because that's where you wash vegetables.

    56.
    Q. How do you get a blonde to marry you?
    A. Tell her she's pregnant.

    57.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
    A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.

    58.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
    A. A toilet won't follow you around when you've dumped in it.

    59.
    Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
    A. So she could lip read.

    60.
    Q. How do you drown a blonde?
    A. Don't tell her to swallow.

    61.
    Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.

    62.
    Q. What do you call a blonde lesbian?
    A. A waste.

    63.
    Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
    A. She kept having affairs with men

    64.
    Q. Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
    A. It kept falling out.

    65.
    Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
    A. They chip their teeth.

    66.
    Q. What did the blonde say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
    A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

    67.
    Q. Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
    A. Who cares?

    68.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
    A. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

    69.
    Q. How are a bowling ball and a blonde alike?
    A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.

    70.
    Q. How are a bowling ball and a blonde alike?
    A: They're both round and have three holes to poke.

    71.
    Q. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
    A. She threw it off a cliff.

    72.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
    A. Not everybody has been in a limo.

    73.
    Q. What do you say to a blonde with no arms or legs?
    A. "Nice tits!"

    74.
    Q. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
    A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.

    75.
    Q. How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
    A. 69 interrupted by a period.

    76.
    Q. Why did the blonde go halfway to Norway then turn around & come home?
    A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.

    77.
    Q. What do a Ford Escort door and a blonde have in common?
    A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.

    78.
    Q. What's the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
    A. The blonde!

    79.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a terrorist?
    A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    80.
    Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with a blonde?
    A. Bucket seats.

    81.
    Q. What do blondes do for foreplay?
    A. Remove their underwear.

    82.
    Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
    A. Spot.

    83.
    Q. How do you get a blonde pregnant?
    A. Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

    84.
    Q. Why do blondes have legs?
    A: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

    85.
    Q. Why do blondes have legs
    A: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

    86.
    Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
    A: To turn the blinker off.

    87.
    Q. What does a brunette and a tampon have in common?
    A. They're both stuck up ****s!

    88.
    Q. Why do blondes have one more brain cell than a cow?
    A. So when you pull their tits, they don't **** on the floor.

    89.
    Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
    A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
     
  2. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Messages:
    1,118
    Location:
    Scotland
    Continues.....

    90.
    Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
    A. By the lipstick on your cucumbers

    91.
    Q. How do you know which computer a blonde was using?
    A. By the Tippex on the screen

    92.
    Q. What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
    A. "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

    93.
    Q. Why is a blonde like a door knob?
    A. 'Cause everybody gets a turn.

    94.
    Q. Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
    A. 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

    95.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
    A. Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

    96.
    Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
    A. They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

    97.
    Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
    A. In the morning a rooster says, "****'ll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-****'ll-doooo."

    98.
    Q. What did the blonde think of the new computer?
    A. She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get Top of the Pops.

    99.
    Q. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
    A: They both have a black box.

    100.
    Q. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
    A: Both have a cockpit.
     
    falconguard likes this.
  3. falconguard

    falconguard Carbon based lifeform Political User Folding Team

    Messages:
    3,406
    Location:
    SoCal
    Believe it or not ,I was playing the game 20 questions in mixed company, when the team roles had just reversed and this fellows wife had to read the question: I Swallowed alot of Seaman. After picking ourselves up off of the floor we continued with the game. The answer was Moby Dick and yes she was blonde. Thanks for the flashback Zero rep point for you :D