A guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "he chum... I got a bet if your game." The bartender looks at him and says "Well..... its been kinda slow and I'm bored lets hear what ya got." The man leans over the counter and says "Ok... I'll bet you 50 bucks I can bite my eye" Bartender laughs and goes "I need to see this." So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender freaks and slams down a fifty and starts to walk off. The man yells after him "Hey buddy I'll make you another bet...." The bartender slows his walk anf turns around "Ok what is it this time?" The man walks back over to him and says "Ok I'll bet you another 50 bucks I can bite my other eye." Bartender goes "Oh nobody has two freakin glass eyes, I'll take that bet of yours." The man reaches into his mouth, pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. THe bartender gets all pissed off and pulls another 50 from the register. "Ok buddy here ya go. Guess you won your fair share of drinks." The man goes and talks with some ranchers at another table for a while and later goes back up to the bartender and goes "Well I feel sorry for taking your money.. Double or nothing I can piss in a shot glass from 30 paces." Bartender laughs and says "Nobody can piss in a shot glass from 30 paces.. your on!" Man backs up 30 paces.. whips it out and pisses all over the bar. Bartenders laughing his ass off and says "You owe me 200 bucks!!!" Man steps up the the counter and says "Yeah but I bet those ranchers over there 100 a peice I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."
A guy walks into a Pub, (no, not a bar) and puts a matchbox on the counter. he then takes a spider out of the box, places it on the bar and says to it, "Quick march". The spider starts marching along the bar.
"Halt" says the guy. The spider stops dead.
"Jump over the matchbox" says the guy. The spider jumps over the matchbox.
Everyone in the Pub is amazed at this.
"Now watch this" says the guy,and proceeds to pull all the legs off the spider.
"Quick march" says the guy" nothing happens.
"Jump over the matchbox" says the guy, still nothing happens.
"Why the hell are you doing that?" asks an onlooker.
"Well, says the guy, "It just goes to prove, that if you pull all the legs off a spider, it goes stone deaf".
A duck walks into a bar and up to the bartender. Looking the fellow square in the eye, he asks, "Hey, uh, you got any fish here?"
"No," the bartender replies. "This is a bar. We do not sell fish. If you want something to drink, I can help you. Otherwise, scram." The duck waddles away, muttering to himself.
The next day the duck returns, bellies up to the bar, and asks the bartender, "Say, um...you got any fish?"
"No, no, a thousand times no!" cries the bartender. "Look, I told you yesterday--we don't have any fish. If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your stupid little duck bill to the bar. Got it?"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, mister," the duck mumbles, slides off his barstool and waddles into the night.
The very next day the duck is back. "Er, mister?" he begins.
"Yes?" replies the bartender with a menacing look in his eye.
"Do you...do you have any nails?" the duck asks.
The bartender frowns. "No. This is a bar. I have no nails."
"Well, uh...you got any fish?"
A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none of my business, but what do have in the case?" Without saying a word, the man opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years. "Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with the case. "Where did you get him?" "I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to rest. The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish." "That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?" "Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word." "Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?" "Tell me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?"
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.
The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please".
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same," and the cat says
"I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not
paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight
A guy walks into a bar and looks at the sign posted on the end of the bar.. It states 'Anybody who can make the donkey outside laugh has free drinks for the entire night' Curious the man walks outside and looks at the donkey.. "It sure is a donkey" he says to himself. He walks back into the bar and says the the bartender.. "I think I'll take that bet of yours sir" Bartender swings around and says "Go right ahead stranger. That old donkey has been outside ever since I baught this place 10 years ago and nobody has ever made it laugh". Man reaches into his pockets and sticks a chew in his mouth and walks out to the donkey. Everybody in the bar, curious, Walks to the door and watches the man lift one of the donkeys ears up and start whispering.. The donkey starts snickering.... then bursts with full laughter and falls to the ground kicking its hoofs everywhere. The man goes to the bartender and say "that good enough for you I rekon?" "Yeah that'll do I guess.... say sir. Ill tell you what.. Ill give the entire bar free drinks wich will make you a very popular man around here if you can make that donkey cry now." Man pulls his head up and goes "sure thing boss" walks back over to the donkey. Waiting for it to regain its composer lifts up its ear once again.. then with his back toward the crowd the could see the man moving his arms. Once the man was finished they could see the donkey's eyes start to water and then the donkey started crying like a little baby. The man walks back to the flabergasted crowd and says "I rekon you have enough scotch for the entire bar for a night then?" "Yeah sure thing freind." says the bartender "but howd you get him to laugh and cry to cure my curiousity. The mans says "Well first I told him I had a bigger dick than he did.. Then... I showed him."
Ep, glad to see you come back and tidy up...did want to ask a one day favor, I want to enhance my resume , was hoping you could make me administrator for a day, if so, take me right off since I won't be here to do anything, and don't know the slightest about the board, but it would be nice putting "served administrator osnn", if can do, THANKS