Little old, but i'm sure there are some of you haven't read this yet 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New answering service installed by the Royal College of Psychiatry
'Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline:
If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,and 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call
If you are delusional, press 7 and you will be transferred to the mother ship
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what you press, no one will answer anyway
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name
If you have short term memory loss, press 9. if you have short term memory loss, press 9. if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New answering service installed by the Royal College of Psychiatry
'Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline:
If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,and 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call
If you are delusional, press 7 and you will be transferred to the mother ship
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what you press, no one will answer anyway
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name
If you have short term memory loss, press 9. if you have short term memory loss, press 9. if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
