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One for the lads

Alan

its only fun
#1
One for the Lads ;);)

All are jokes are m.c.p. attitude ,but still funny[if you are a male] :)

I'm sure the girls will hit back with something though ;) [ouch]

-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men pass wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.
-----------------------------------------------


 

damnyank

I WILL NOT FORGET 911
#3
Pretty good alan - just so happens my wife received the following yesterday:


Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

OR

Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy..

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: The difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
 

Alan

its only fun
#6
Hey damnyank there pretty good;)

It would of been really cool if kerrie had of posted it though.

Would of re-named the thread A his and hers, lets see who can biatch the best:)

Alan

 

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