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- 21 Sep 2002
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Urgent WHO health warning - BARS
The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning
about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world.
The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome)
affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in
Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate
in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the
disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world- wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at
5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most
keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include
talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual
attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter,
uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and
speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss
of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death
ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet
you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you
quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or
all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease
can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following
Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs,
lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is
not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning
about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world.
The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome)
affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in
Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate
in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the
disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world- wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at
5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most
keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include
talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual
attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter,
uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and
speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss
of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death
ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet
you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you
quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or
all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease
can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following
Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs,
lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is
not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.
