Joke of the day

Age Attention Disorder

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes . . .

I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .

Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious . . .

I'd get help . . .

BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.
 
Tech Support!!!

This is said to be a true story from the a major word processor software producer's helpline. Supposedly, the help desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Customer Support employee:

"Customer Support Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your word processor software."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a C: prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power outage ??? Aha !!! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
 
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again, the blonde couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height.

When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
 
A man takes his wife to the county agricultural show. They start heading down the stalls that house all the bulls.

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to make love to the same cow every day."
 
Smokie: Rof liked that last one ;)

Gonaads: MMMMMMM BBBEEERRRRRRR
-Homer Simpson :p
 
Coffee in Hell

An office supervisor died and found himself in hell
(big surprise). The devil informs him that he will
spend eternity in one of three rooms, each of which he
may preview and then choose his favorite.

Satan opens a door and the dead supervisor sees a vast
plain of concrete covered in glass shards, with untold
millions of souls moaning in agony as they stand on
their heads. With a gulp he asks to see the next
choice.

The second door opens to reveal another vast horizon of
torn-up wood filled with nails and screws, and millions
of souls condemned to stand on their heads, so he asks
to see the third room.

Much to his surprise, the room is filled with millions
of people standing waist deep in crap, but smoking
cigarettes and drinking coffee. "This is not too bad,"
says the man, "even standing in crap I can stand an
eternity smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee." So he
nonchalantly enters and takes his place among the
damned.

Suddenly, halfway through his first smoke, Satan enters
and yells: "Alright, you maggots! Coffee break's over--
back on your heads!"
 
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the front door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried Arrangement!" :eek: :D
 
Another:

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his bum.
He says to the doctor that he is a little concerned.
Upon Examination, the doctor turns to the patient and says, "it's worse than I originally thought.....Thats just the tip of the ice berg."
 
An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
 
Are You A Real Man?

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
 
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know" the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well" Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped and sat down at the table.

"You know honey" the little old lady breathlessly replied "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
 
[Edit]
Joke taken down as requested.
---------

Hope no offence was caused. Sorry

[/Edit]
 
Take it down, plz pothitos, or I will

cool.gif
 
Originally posted by Grinder
And actually I'm not sure if you can tell a joke without offending someone.

I guess you won't be telling any jokes!:D J/K
 
And Gonaads...10 C's...

Looks like were going drinking.:cool:
 

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Also Hi EP and people. I found this place again while looking through a oooollllllldddd backup. I have filled over 10TB and was looking at my collection of antiques. Any bids on the 500Mhz Win 95 fix?
Any of the SP crew still out there?
Xie wrote on Electronic Punk's profile.
Impressed you have kept this alive this long EP! So many sites have come and gone. :(

Just did some crude math and I apparently joined almost 18yrs ago, how is that possible???
hello peeps... is been some time since i last came here.
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Rest in peace my friend, been trying to find you and finally did in the worst way imaginable.

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