Glasgow Commonwealth Games in 2014

ZeroHour

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Joined
22 Mar 2004
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As you may know, the East End of Glasgow will be hosting the
Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know, is that many aspects
of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the
area. A copy of these changes has been leaked in a memo which a friend
of mine has seen and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van
situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and
microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting
pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the
athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets,
hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as
possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event.
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round
competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle
has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning
automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the
University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some
mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting
member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering,
flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity
levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events
will be organised. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for
this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky
ripples on the pool.

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as
the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton
Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronised rock throwing
and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be
extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch
invasion by confused Celtic supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes
break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug
testing has been waived for the duration of the games.
 

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