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AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

#1
Leading internet provider America Online (AOL) has confirmed a stunning statistic leaked by a dissatisfied employee last week, in documents sold to Fox News for an undisclosed sum.

"While we vigorously condemn the illegal theft of internal company documents, we must admit that they are in fact authentic," said a grim-looking Joe Redley, AOL's chief marketing officer. "Further, the facts as stated in the memos recently released to news organizations are in fact true; namely, that it does appear that a sizeable percentage of AOL subscribers do not, in fact, possess computers."

Until recently, the premier entry point to the Internet frontier, America Online is now trying to reinvent itself in a high-speed Internet world. Parent company Time Warner said last week that AOL lost 646,000 subscribers in the third quarter, reducing its subscriber count to 22.7 million U.S. members as of Sept. 30. It lost two million subscribers year over year. The revelation that 40% of its subscribers do not own computers could not have come at a worse time.

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."

AOL was able to get away with this, apparently, because so many people are unclear as to what the internet is, or what benefits to expect from an online account.

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL. The only complaint on record at the Internet Fraud Complaint Center is from a dissatisfied AOL subscriber who grumbled that its vaunted pop-up blocking service failed to counteract her husband's Cialis.

"Well, these documents do explain one thing," said Kowshik. "I always wondered how AOL managed to maintain a customer satisfaction rate of 40%. Now we know exactly which 40% of their client base that is."

[Watley Review]
 

Evil Marge

I Rule
Political User
#2
"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."
Oh my god,is this guy for real?? :eek:
 

rushm001

In the beginning......
Political User
#4
OMG, how gullible must people be:D Didn't realise people paid to use those drinks coasters!

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL.
What for?? For some people being too thick to understand:confused:
 

Mainframeguy

Debiant by way of Ubuntu
#5
He He - I like the bit about explaining 40% customer satisfaction (although I do not believe it, that would mean they kept ALL the 40% without a computer satisfied!)....

Actually I had heard of someone subscribing with no computer before - it was on one of those would you believe it tech support call quotes - someone demanding the internet without a computer.... I just had no idea this was as high as 40%!

/me hopes the news spreads to these folks and they get refunded subscriptions and AOL goes to the wall.... I hate their policy of "free trials" that simply are never free because they never cancel in timeframe and always take subs....

If there was ever a thread to flame AOL this has to be it.... :cool:
 

Zarband

The Iconoclast
#6
Geffy said:
"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."
Wow.......I'm not sure who's fault this is to be honest with you.....i guess I had no clue that there were actually people out there this stupid.....These are the people you see on television standing outside their trailer describing what the tornado sounded like to the T.V. camera
 

leedogg

Gojyone kawaiiiiiiii!
#7
rushm001 said:
OMG, how gullible must people be:D Didn't realise people paid to use those drinks coasters!

What for?? For some people being too thick to understand:confused:
ahh the irony :D

The Watley Review is dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working. Names, places and events are generally fictitious, except for public figures about which we may have heard something down at the pub. All contents are intended as parody and should be construed as such. We have no agenda other than the depletion of Uncle Zeke's whaling trust fund and the dutiful appreciation of smooth, smooth liquor. The Review is updated every Tuesday, when the hangovers wear off.
 

leedogg

Gojyone kawaiiiiiiii!
#12
guys. comon. I quoted their disclaimer for you. do I need to spell it out? Its a parody site, sorta like theOnion. Before more of you spout off about people being gullible and stupid, please dont blindly believe everything you see posted on teh interweb.
 

rushm001

In the beginning......
Political User
#14
leedogg said:
guys. comon. I quoted their disclaimer for you. do I need to spell it out? Its a parody site, sorta like theOnion. Before more of you spout off about people being gullible and stupid, please dont blindly believe everything you see posted on teh interweb.
I know, it's just good to have a dig at AOL now and again!:p
 

Zarband

The Iconoclast
#15
LOL Leedog :D I hate AOL personally, so I'll take any chance I can get at making fun of AOL and the people that use it :p .....



Present company excluded of course (for all you AOL users out there)...I love ya! :cool:
 
#16
Geffy said:
According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.
This was my favourite bit, think substantial should read "large" or "vast" ;) ;)


and yes this thread probably is flame bait, but if it gets out of hand I wont hesitate to delete the thread ;)
 

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