ah ha i found something at least...
Q: What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?
A: When you make a deposit at a sperm bank, you lose interest!
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Q: Why did the logging train stop in the woods?
A: To let the lumberjack off.
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Q: What is a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself!
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Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.
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Q. What is the ultimate kind of rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, and your hand falls asleep.
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Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine's Day — what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.
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Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
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Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears — to listen for footsteps.
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Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
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Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!
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Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.
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Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing!
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Q. What does a three-putt and masturbation have in common?
A. You're ashamed, but you know you'll do it again!
and my favourite
"Sorry I'm late for work, boss, but I had to help my Uncle Jack off the horse."