The Rules of Life for (Heterosexual) Men

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Erbmaster, Nov 27, 2003.

  1. Erbmaster

    Erbmaster Moderator Folding Team

    Messages:
    1,195
    Location:
    Middle Of Nowhere - UK
    Received this via email.....unsure of the author.

    1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may
    be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

    2. Under no circumstances may two men share an
    Umbrella.

    3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following
    circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    b. The moment Angelina Jolly starts unbuttoning her
    blouse.
    c. After wrecking your boss' car.
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying
    Game".
    e. When she is using her teeth.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you
    must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours,
    his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually
    marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's
    fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the
    temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
    present for another man. In fact, even remembering your
    mate's birthday is strictly optional.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines
    pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a
    sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in
    progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after
    you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head
    under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
    entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop
    drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...
    and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's
    free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical
    peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

    13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
    Issue closed.

    15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you
    didn't see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
    be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of
    the game and the ability to drink as much as the other
    sports watchers.

    17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences
    over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was
    you who secretly set it on fire
    and threw it into a ceiling fan.

    18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
    dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
    last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

    20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd
    better be talking about his choice of beer.

    21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a
    mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending
    your response.

    22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man
    while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, baby, push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are
    on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line,
    etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
    nod is all the conversation you need.

    24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a
    woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex
    with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
    necessary.

    25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at
    work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the
    aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the
    brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his
    monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud
    speaker every seven minutes.

    26. The morning after you and a girl who was
    formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey
    sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
    no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
    about what a big mistake it was.

    27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is
    not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity
    of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a
    car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

    29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of
    brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    30. The girl who replies to the question "What do
    you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd
    know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2
     
  2. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    lmfao :D
     
  3. Codasmd

    Codasmd Old School XPeriencer

    Messages:
    495
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA.
    Those are good.

    This is one of the best...

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines
    pit stops, not the weakest.
     
  4. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

    Messages:
    10,574
    Location:
    Santa Clara, CA
    Excellent!
     
  5. Jewelzz

    Jewelzz OSNN Godlike Veteran

    Messages:
    10,977
    Location:
    California
    It's Jolie

    No XPerienced woman would use her teeth ;)
     
  6. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

    Messages:
    10,574
    Location:
    Santa Clara, CA
    umm, nice use of words there, Jewelzz :p