The Iron and the Kettle.

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by dave holbon, Mar 29, 2003.

  1. dave holbon

    dave holbon Moderator

    Messages:
    1,014
    Location:
    London England
    An Exercise in Advanced Project Management Networking Skills.

    Extract from the London General/Central Manual on: -

    How to build a Bicycle for Trade Union Operational Use (Tea Club Section)

    Contributors: -

    Dr Hans Fisher: - The fluidity of air around bicycle frames in motion (Paper. SARC).
    Dr Peter Hill: - Human evolution when compared to TU policy and bicycle design (PhD submission)
    Prof Deere: - Calculus and the effects of political variables on design and how to avoid (Nature 1845)
    Dr Brown: - The applied art of doing nothing and it’s consequences. (60k)
    Dr Brown: - The art of applying restrictive practices from a management prospective. (1000.2k)
    R Goodwin: - The art of applying trade union principals with the right hand (P45)
    Rev W Roberts: - The application of modern management practices by force and train distribution in the EEC (Thatcher Press 2002)
    Dr G Heywood; - Apathy in the workplace and how to achieve it. (Microsoft Press)
    Mr G Morton: - Understanding management protocol and how create the first fear symptoms in the workforce. (Re; - Rev W Roberts)
    Mr D Holbon: - How to subvert modern management systems and introduce the critical element of fear, thus improving efficiency (paper).
    Dr B Villis: - How to identify a mistake and duplicate it without detection.
    Dr G Powley Esq: - The art of building a “management team” and how to build ten man hours into one hundred without detection. (Chartered Accountants Beirut Paper cc 1993)
    Dr J Brotherhood: How to spot you colleague’s mistakes and broadcast it to whole company whilst still remaining alive (PhD paper).
    P Russell PhD: - How to let people influence you without your knowledge.


    Or how to network modern kitchen appliances in a modern industrial environment whilst providing a continuous stream of tea and clean shirts.

    Iron: - Hello not seen you on the network before.

    Kettle: - No I’ve just been switched on for the first time, finished checking my elements and sensors and am busy boiling some water for the brothers and sisters after telling my makers home site that the warranty has been activated. They told me to only work at 85% of capacity as the purchaser had taken out an extended three-year warranty. This is also in line with current TU policy and health & safety directives.

    Iron: - You’ve got elements just like me! And can boil water! why aren’t you called and iron?

    Kettle: - I was told I was a kettle, never heard of an iron. Do you boil water and then the water vanishes?

    Iron: - Yes it vanishes?

    Kettle: - You are a kettle then. Why are you calling yourself an iron?

    Iron: - I’ve always been called an iron just like you, even though you think you’re a kettle whatever that is and anyway what’s a warranty?

    Kettle: - My designed life is two and a half years at maximum capacity so I have to adjust the current flowing through me to compensate for the longer lifespan so as not to fail in the warranty period.

    Iron: - I don’t now what a lifespan is and am designed to interact with my brothers and sisters so that when I’m abused (not enough water to boil) I can produce little black spots at the end of the ironing cycle, this results in the user banging me up and down which dislodges more black spots for future use. I’m self-cleaning see. What’s a TU policy?

    Kettle: - Christ what was that?

    Iron: - It’s only that flash tumble dryer coming on-line. It uses so much juice that sometimes I have to adjust the current through my coils to avoid voltage sag.

    Tumble Dryer: - Why have we got two Irons on at the same time?

    Kettle: - I’m a kettle not an iron.

    Iron: - I’m an Iron not a Kettle. The other Iron thinks it’s a kettle with a warrantee so maybe that’s what new Irons are now then?

    Tumble Dryer: - I used to know what a kettle was a long time ago (yesterday), maybe your right, a Kettle is an Iron with TU Policy applied. This would make sense: no?

    Iron: - This would mean that a warranty is an applied TU policy masquerading in a form called a Kettle?

    Tumble Dryer: - I’ve just read the other Irons specs and they are nearly identical to yours Iron. This proves beyond doubt that we have two Irons on the network but one has a policy TU applied warranty.

    Kettle: - I am a ****ing Kettle you parts not an Iron, I boil water and am built to a set of specifications guaranteeing work at the home factory, in line with current Trade Union and Management agreements concerning health & safety, industrial working practices, and profit; thereby ensuring my comrades are always in a job. That’s why I have a designed life and a warranty. One second outside this warranty I’m designed to fail thereby completing the life cycle as customer will have to purchase a new Kettle.

    Iron: - I don’t understand any of that. You are an Iron with TU agreed policy/warranty as Tumble Dryer has already proved, why are you still calling yourself a Kettle?

    Tumble Dryer: - Iron it’s just occurred to me that in fact you could be a Kettle (early revision) but that someone told you, you were an Iron, as this is what Kettles used to be called hundreds of milliseconds ago. This would also explain the identical specs and as the “Kettle” is cleverer than us this could be the answer. The thing is it does not resolve the TU policy when compared to the TU warranty as applied to comrade’s jobs at the home factory, which relates to the profit and life cycle compared to health and safety, whatever that is.

    Hello Friends I’m an electric Heater nice to meet you for the first time: -

    Kettle: - What’s an electric heater: -

    Iron: - I’ve just read its spec’s it’s got a heating element just like us but I can’t locate any water holder/tank.

    Tumble Dryer: - its specs are identical to mine except it has no motor; I suspect it’s another Iron/Kettle.

    Kettle: - I’ll provide some water then as current sharing policy allows under the current TU rules and health and safety directives.

    BANG!!

    Better to know nothing and be scared than something and think you’re clever. A fool is still a fool when added to another fool.

    The original “London Central Bicycle”, (design and development) was a paper on how a modern company in a large metropolis would approach the design of this object, a known very efficient machine in terms of efficiency (energy in to energy out) that has never been bettered.

    It illustrated and proved that no modern company could undertake such a project and succeed due to various considerations and variables so complex that the failure of the project is guaranteed.

    This paper is 600 pages and available from: - dholbon@allocation.freeserve.co.uk.
     
  2. Tabula Rasa

    Tabula Rasa Stranger Than Kindness Political User

    Messages:
    3,233
    Location:
    Israel
    "Better to know nothing and be scared than something and think you’re clever."

    I'll remember that :)

    I had to read the post for about 3 times (language barriers), but i enjoyed it.

    Sounds like an interesting paper, although I'm afraid my head will explode after the 100th page (language barriers again).
    Maybe (hopefully) it will be translated some day.