The chili tester

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by XPletive, Nov 22, 2002.

  1. XPletive

    XPletive bbbb-ring...

    Messages:
    237
    Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas
    from the east coast.

    Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. The
    original person called in sick at the last minute. I happened to be
    standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when I was
    asked to fill in. I was assured by the other 2 judges (native Texans) that
    the chili would not be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could have
    free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from
    the event:

    Chili #1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge #2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Frank - Holy ****! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hope that
    is the worst. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge #1 - Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno kick.
    Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Frank - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed
    to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to give me the
    Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me in more beer when they saw the look
    on my face.

    Chili #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge #2 - A bean less chili. A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    Frank - Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've
    been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more beer
    before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me in the back; now my backbone is in the
    front of my chest. I'm getting ****faced from all the beer.

    Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointed.
    Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods.
    Frank - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
    it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the bar maid was standing
    behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb ***** is starting to look hot.
    Just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge #1 - Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers, freshly ground peppers,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef could uses more tomato. Must admit the
    cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Frank - My ears are ringing. Sweat is pouring off my forehead. I can no
    longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people need paramedic's. The
    contestant seemed offended when I told her the chili had given me brain
    damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
    from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning off my lips. It really pisses me
    off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and
    peppers.
    Judge #2 - The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. This
    one is great!
    Frank - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
    flames. I **** myself when I farted and I am worried that it will eat right
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
    I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge #2 - Tastes as if the chef threw in a can of chili peppers at the
    last minute. I should note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to
    be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye and world sounds like rushing
    water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
    My pants are filled with lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during
    the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
    it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
    air I'll just suck it through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 HELEN'S MOUNT ST CHILI
    Judge #1 - A perfect ending...this is a nice blend of chili. Safe for all.
    Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge #2 - This final entry is good. It's balanced chili. Neither mild or
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out, fell
    over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to
    make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd reacted to a really hot chili?
    Frank - ------------------------------------(editors note: Judge #3 was
    unable to report.)
     
  2. Sazar

    Sazar F@H - Is it in you? Staff Member Political User Folding Team

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    lol I heard that one before... but nice to know that yanks are stereotyped rather well for not being able to handle hot foods lol... ulcers anyone ?
     
  3. funky dredd

    funky dredd Moderator

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    Location:
    Florida
    It's nice to see a classic re-appear!