Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas
from the east coast.
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. The
original person called in sick at the last minute. I happened to be
standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when I was
asked to fill in. I was assured by the other 2 judges (native Texans) that
the chili would not be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from
the event:
Chili #1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank - Holy ****! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hope that
is the worst. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 - Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno kick.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.
Chili #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chili. A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank - Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me in the back; now my backbone is in the
front of my chest. I'm getting ****faced from all the beer.
Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointed.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods.
Frank - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the bar maid was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb ***** is starting to look hot.
Just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 - Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers, freshly ground peppers,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef could uses more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank - My ears are ringing. Sweat is pouring off my forehead. I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people need paramedic's. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her the chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning off my lips. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. This
one is great!
Frank - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I **** myself when I farted and I am worried that it will eat right
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
**** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Tastes as if the chef threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last minute. I should note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye and world sounds like rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are filled with lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air I'll just suck it through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 HELEN'S MOUNT ST CHILI
Judge #1 - A perfect ending...this is a nice blend of chili. Safe for all.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is good. It's balanced chili. Neither mild or
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to
make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd reacted to a really hot chili?
Frank - ------------------------------------(editors note: Judge #3 was
unable to report.)
from the east coast.
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. The
original person called in sick at the last minute. I happened to be
standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when I was
asked to fill in. I was assured by the other 2 judges (native Texans) that
the chili would not be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from
the event:
Chili #1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank - Holy ****! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hope that
is the worst. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 - Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno kick.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.
Chili #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chili. A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank - Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me in the back; now my backbone is in the
front of my chest. I'm getting ****faced from all the beer.
Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointed.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods.
Frank - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the bar maid was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb ***** is starting to look hot.
Just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 - Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers, freshly ground peppers,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef could uses more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank - My ears are ringing. Sweat is pouring off my forehead. I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people need paramedic's. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her the chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning off my lips. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. This
one is great!
Frank - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I **** myself when I farted and I am worried that it will eat right
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
**** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Tastes as if the chef threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last minute. I should note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye and world sounds like rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are filled with lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air I'll just suck it through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 HELEN'S MOUNT ST CHILI
Judge #1 - A perfect ending...this is a nice blend of chili. Safe for all.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is good. It's balanced chili. Neither mild or
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to
make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd reacted to a really hot chili?
Frank - ------------------------------------(editors note: Judge #3 was
unable to report.)
