Stun Gun

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Naysa, Sep 29, 2006.

  1. Naysa

    Naysa OSNN One Post Wonder

    Probly an oldie but it still cracks me up everytime i read it.....

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
    by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
    two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
    of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Frank looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
    admit I thought about zapping Frank (for a fraction of a second) and
    thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
    give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
    some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
    shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
    cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
    burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
    out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
    with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

    I'm sitting there alone, Frank looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
    from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided
    to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
    prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
    and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
    testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
    oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me
    making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
    undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
    yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
    be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
    little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
    felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
    lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
    reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock,
  2. GoNz0

    GoNz0 NTFS Stoner

    the year 2525
    OMFG ROLMFAO ! classic how not to test a tazer !
  3. ray_gillespie

    ray_gillespie Moderator Staff Member Political User

    Birmingham, UK
    I don't get these "funny stories", I mean, it would only be funny if it were true. Am I the only one who thinks that?
  4. mlakrid

    mlakrid OSNN BASSMASTER Political User Folding Team

    I dont know I have a great imagination...

    so even if it isnt I was almost laughing out loud visualizing this...

  5. ming

    ming OSNN Advanced

    Never heard of Jessie Ventura but it sounds like he or she is an expert in wrestling and has probably eaten your testicles. :p
  6. mlakrid

    mlakrid OSNN BASSMASTER Political User Folding Team

    Jesse Ventura is a former US Navy SEAL and ex-wrestler.. Jesse "The Body" Ventura you may have seen him in his role as a Special Forces Operator in Predator...

    He was also a Govenor of Minesota... EH?

  7. Naysa

    Naysa OSNN One Post Wonder

    well in not sure if it is true word for word or not but i guess i find it so funny because almost every man i know would think the same thing and give it a try :) just two tiny little batteries after all...
  8. technokid88

    technokid88 Part of a System Folding Team

    In a world without windows
    A company which im a part of did a deal with taser international, they gave us 3 of them free the taser x26. These are the ones better then the cops have. They only have 5 seconds burts, we got 30 second ones. These things will show the electric going from prong to prong with out putting it on a metal surface. Very hi-tech stuff. I'm sure the story is true, When u put that thing to your skin your not able to take it away since ur body will contarct.
  9. LeeJend

    LeeJend Moderator

    Fort Worth, TX
    I have a collection of various sized off brand name "tasers". 60kV, 80kV, 100kV w/85 db alarm and xeon light (hand held flash bang).
    Mine run on 9V batteries and all throw a nice 2 inch arc when tested. They will run for quite a while on one battery. They can die during a self test for more than 1-2 seconds so don't do that.

    Only an idiot would use one on himself. (PS the cat would have died.)

    They are designed to make your muscles operate at an extremely high rate using up your available sugar and causing something like a mini diabetic coma, which can be fatal in rare cases. Heart attack or stroke is also possible. While the muscles are operating at 100kHz you have no control of them until you black out from lack of sugar. Severe muscle convulsions can also occur tossing things about and keeping your finger locked on the trigger.

    The description is pretty accurate. Your testicals were either eaten by the cat or have retracted up into your abdomen. With a little luck they will descend all by themselves. If not the surgery isn't too bad.

    The self tester should submit his name for this years Darwin awards. Though your chance of winning is low unless you die on the operating table having the testicles lowered.

    PS Don't stun someone holding a gun that is pointed at anyone. The trigger will more than likely get pulled several hundred times before they pass out.
  10. falconguard

    falconguard Carbon based lifeform Political User Folding Team

    I don't even wanna know how you got that information...:D