Star Trek Lost Episodes Transcipt

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by ZeroHour, Apr 28, 2004.

  1. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

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    Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

    Geordi"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

    Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

    Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

    Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

    Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

    Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

    Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

    . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

    Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

    Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

    Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

    Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

    Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

    Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain; I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

    Picard "Data, what does your scanners show?"

    Data "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

    Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

    . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

    Riker "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

    Geordi "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

    Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

    Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

    Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

    Picard "Identify."

    Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

    Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

    Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

    Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

    Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

    Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

    Riker and Picard together (horrified) "Lawyers !!"

    Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

    Data "True, but appearently some must have survived."

    Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

    Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

    Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
     
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  2. NerdUprising

    NerdUprising [ Method ]

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  3. Codasmd

    Codasmd Old School XPeriencer

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    Funny
     
  4. Perris Calderon

    Perris Calderon Moderator Staff Member Political User

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    read the whole thing...very good
     
  5. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    LMFAO!!! :p :p

    Oh... my sides hurt... hee hee hee. :p
     
  6. Mainframeguy

    Mainframeguy Debiant by way of Ubuntu Folding Team

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    ho ho

    :D and if you liked that you might like this also:-

    The top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had Klingon programmers working for you:

    Specifications are for the weak and timid!!

    This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code.

    You cannot really apprecaite Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

    Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!

    What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software escapes, leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake!

    Klingon function calls do not have "parameters" - they have "arguments"- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

    Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.

    I have challenged the entire Quality Assurance team to a Bat-Leh contest! They will not concern us again.

    A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code.

    By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

    You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!

    Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

    :D
     
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  7. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

    The Top 10 Bumper Stickers on the USS Enterprise

    10. Our other Ship separates into 3 pieces!
    9. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day... think about it!
    8. HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!
    7. Guns don't kill people... CLass 2 Phasers do!
    6. Zero to Warp 9.7 is 13 seconds!
    5. CAUTION... We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical!
    4. If you can read this... don't you think your a wee bit too close?
    3. Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
    2. We brake for cubes!
    1. Wesley on board!
     
  8. wadada

    wadada Moderator

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    lmmfao :D excellent !
     
  9. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

  10. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

    Why did Worf change his hair colour?
    It was a good day to dye.

    What did Spock find in Kirk's toilet?
    The Captain's Log.

    What does the Enterprise and Toilet paper have in common?
    They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.

    If Kirk and Riker were both locked in a room with nothing but a waterbed...
    ...who'd be on top?

    Have you heard the new Klingon army motto?
    Join the Klingon army. Visit exotic planets, meet interesting people, and kill them!

    Tribbles are sweet...
    ...but they can be bitter if you overcook them.

    He's dead Jim...
    ...I'll get his tricorder, you get his wallet.

    She's dead Riker...
    ...but you still need a condom.

    Visit Odo's gym...
    ...get into shape. ANY shape!

    We are Microsoft!
    ...You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
     
  11. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

    Top 21 Signs the Enterprise is nearing the End of Warranty

    21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
    20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
    19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
    18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
    17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
    16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
    15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
    14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
    13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
    12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
    11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
    10: Holodeck become caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
    9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
    8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
    7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
    6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
    5: Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
    4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
    3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
    2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
    1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
     
  12. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

  13. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

    One More....

    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
    Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
    The phasers were hung in the armourery securely,
    In hope that no alien would get up that early.
    The crewmen were nestled all sung in their bunks
    (Except for the few who were partying drunks)
    And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
    Had just settled down for a neat face to face...

    When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
    That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
    Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
    Leapt into the turbos and shouted "Deck One!"
    The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
    Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
    When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
    But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

    But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
    That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

    His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
    Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
    "It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
    It's Geordi, and Wesley, the genetic fluke!
    To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
    Now float away! Float away!
    Float away all!"

    As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
    So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
    And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
    As the captain called out,"what the Hell is this, Q?!"
    The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
    And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
    As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
    The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
    Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
    Appeared once again, to continue the show.
    "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
    And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"
    "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
    "I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."

    As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
    He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

    "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
    There's something delightful for everyone here."
    He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,
    And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

    "For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
    Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
    For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great
    And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."
    For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
    For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
    For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
    And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
    And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
    And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

    But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from
    sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"



    Dunno if you noticed, but Im a Trekkie! :D :D :D :cool:
     
  14. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Damn!!! [​IMG]
     
  15. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

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    Cha'Mone Admiral Michael that be alot of additional stuff.
    But it be goooood ;)
     
  16. Perris Calderon

    Perris Calderon Moderator Staff Member Political User

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    if you're the author of that peice, excellant

    make sure it's posted when the holidays role around
     
  17. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

    Sorry, I cant take the credit for them. Got them a long time ago, so I dont remeber where I got them.
     
  18. Hsn

    Hsn King

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    lmao, hilarious stuff . :D