some common workshop tools

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Bucky Badger, May 17, 2006.

  1. Bucky Badger

    Bucky Badger OSNN Addict

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    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bars out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes but also handy for drilling holes in the wrong place.
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
    19/32" SOCKET: Unknown original purpose but they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 5/8" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
    HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.
    EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2 X 4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford and neatly breaks off their heads.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50ยข part.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
     
  2. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    rofl very good :D
     
  3. omg its nlm

    omg its nlm lvl 17 Hax Folding Team

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    Great one!
     
  4. Vanquished

    Vanquished Mr. Bananagrabber Political User

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    Tehe,
    Those are pretty good.
    I'm saving a copy for myself.
    MWAHAHA
     
  5. ejn74

    ejn74 Folding Master! Political User Folding Team

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    LOL!!! I had to save a copy my self.

    That is exactly what some of those tools are used for.
     
  6. Admiral Michael

    Admiral Michael Michaelsoft Systems CEO Folding Team

    LOL, awesome.

    Gonna email it to my dad :p
     
  7. Steevo

    Steevo Spammer representing. Political User Folding Team

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    Big drills are also good at breaking bones when the bit stops and the drill starts.
     
  8. Vanquished

    Vanquished Mr. Bananagrabber Political User

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    19/32" SOCKET: Unknown original purpose but they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 5/8" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    That is my favorite...
    I know how that feels :)
     
  9. Mooz

    Mooz Moozically Con~foozed

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    oooo all sooooo true ... thanks for making my day.