Open Letter from John Cleese

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by drz01, Aug 10, 2005.

  1. drz01

    drz01 Weekend DJ

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    BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
    (A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):
    "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown



    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
    reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
    letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
    own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
    driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
    beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
    English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
    Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
    removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    monies due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation

    John Cleese

    Note: I have no idea if this was written by Cleese(I doubt it but I thought it was kinda funny)
     
  2. ming

    ming OSNN Advanced

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    ROFL... I love John Cleese... :)
    Not sure whether he'd write such a thing either... but who cares.. it's funny!
     
  3. falconguard

    falconguard Carbon based lifeform Political User Folding Team

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    That sounds like something he would come up with.

    Reminds me of that line from the movie Canadian Bacon


    " we have ways to make you pronounce the letter 'O' "

    they say aboot:laugh:
     
  4. Geffy

    Geffy Moderator Folding Team

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    one from the queen which came out around the last set of elections where florida couldnt make its mind up. its pretty much the same thing though

    A letter to the The Citizens of the United States.

    In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Thank you for your cooperation


    John Cleese did once talk about the 3 differences between England and America,
    1. We speak English
    2. When we hold a World Championship we invite teams from other countries
    3. When you meet our head of state you only have to go down on one knee
     
  5. Khayman

    Khayman I'm sorry Hal... Political User Folding Team

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    yeah that one is funnnier
     
  6. falconguard

    falconguard Carbon based lifeform Political User Folding Team

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    Hey! we gave you "King Arthur" it had Clive Owen, so what if the story was a bit of a stretch, aren't they all?



    and what about "dirty, pretty little things" or "Romper Stomper"










    Sorry ...that last one is Australian:)
     
  7. Perris Calderon

    Perris Calderon Moderator Staff Member Political User

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    great thread
     
  8. Dublex

    Dublex Quazatron R6 droid

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    I've seen this joke before.. there is also a reply about the UK being made the 51st state around somewhere :)

    Do we really know where the true source of this joke is from?
     
  9. Petros

    Petros Thief IV

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  10. Perris Calderon

    Perris Calderon Moderator Staff Member Political User

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  11. lancer

    lancer There is no answer! Political User Folding Team

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    you do realise america has 52 states already don't you?
     
  12. Geffy

    Geffy Moderator Folding Team

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    yeah, nice find