Oldies but goodies (carnac)

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by drz01, Aug 15, 2005.

  1. drz01

    drz01 Weekend DJ

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    The Best of Carnac the Magnificent




    Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon.

    A: Gatorade.
    Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

    A: Bible belt.
    Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

    A: Milk and honey.
    Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

    A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
    Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

    A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
    Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

    A: Ben Gay.
    Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

    A: An unmarried woman.
    Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

    A: Disjoint.
    Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

    A: The Laughing Policeman.
    Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

    A: Dustin Hoffman.
    Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

    A: Until he gets caught.
    Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

    A: Old wives tale.
    Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

    A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
    Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

    A: Shareholder.
    Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

    A: Skalliwags.
    Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

    A: David Frost.
    Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

    A: Head and shoulders.
    Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

    A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
    Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

    A: "Rose Bowl."
    Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

    A: That darn cat.
    Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

    A: High rollers.
    Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

    A: Gunga din.
    Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

    A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
    Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

    A: At both ends.
    Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

    A: Igloo.
    Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

    A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
    Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

    A: Grape Nuts.
    Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

    A: Supervisor.
    Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

    A: Crabgrass.
    Q: What do crabs get high on?

    A: Shake-N-Bake.
    Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

    A: Blazing Saddles.
    Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

    A: Flypaper.
    Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

    A: Deep freeze.
    Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

    A: Bedbug.
    Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?