Oldies but goodies (carnac)

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by drz01, Aug 15, 2005.

  1. drz01

    drz01 Weekend DJ

    The Best of Carnac the Magnificent

    Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon.

    A: Gatorade.
    Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

    A: Bible belt.
    Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

    A: Milk and honey.
    Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

    A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
    Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

    A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
    Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

    A: Ben Gay.
    Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

    A: An unmarried woman.
    Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

    A: Disjoint.
    Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

    A: The Laughing Policeman.
    Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

    A: Dustin Hoffman.
    Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

    A: Until he gets caught.
    Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

    A: Old wives tale.
    Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

    A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
    Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

    A: Shareholder.
    Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

    A: Skalliwags.
    Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

    A: David Frost.
    Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

    A: Head and shoulders.
    Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

    A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
    Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

    A: "Rose Bowl."
    Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

    A: That darn cat.
    Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

    A: High rollers.
    Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

    A: Gunga din.
    Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

    A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
    Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

    A: At both ends.
    Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

    A: Igloo.
    Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

    A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
    Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

    A: Grape Nuts.
    Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

    A: Supervisor.
    Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

    A: Crabgrass.
    Q: What do crabs get high on?

    A: Shake-N-Bake.
    Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

    A: Blazing Saddles.
    Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

    A: Flypaper.
    Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

    A: Deep freeze.
    Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

    A: Bedbug.
    Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?