[NSFW] Name that tune

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Dark Atheist, Dec 5, 2008.

  1. Dark Atheist

    Dark Atheist Moderator Political User Folding Team

    Messages:
    6,376
    Location:
    In The Void
    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
    streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
    Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
    evening performances'.

    '****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
    'Get the ****ing manager of this pigs **** middle class **** hole please
    you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
    obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

    'Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your poxy advert in the twating
    window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
    need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
    first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
    involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
    'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

    'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
    just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the ****s blind...'

    'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
    less "lively".'

    'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
    which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
    asks him the title.

    'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
    box you get crap on your bell end.'

    'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
    titles?'

    'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or
    there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
    nice jugs".

    'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
    the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
    condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

    '**** it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

    On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
    his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
    thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
    blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
    tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
    inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
    hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

    Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
    tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
    show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
    says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

    She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging
    out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

    'Know it?'

    says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,


    'I ****ing wrote it !!!'
     
  2. raver

    raver OSNN One Post Wonder

    Messages:
    7
    lol
     
  3. slugbug

    slugbug super noob

    Messages:
    14
    Location:
    Canada
    I heard that one years ago. Some of the expletives were different though :)