Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Lonman, Jan 6, 2002.

  1. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    I saw this thread in another forum and thought it would make a good edition here. But please, use some decorum - some of you have already offended my dog, Cat. :p

    My first offering (stolen of course)>>>>>

    An example of a phone call to tech support;

    Operator: "Welcome to our customer care, my name is Melvin Sitshere. Could I have your "Customer ID?"

    Customer: (whispering) "How do I change to the windows directory in DOS?"

    Operator: "Cee-dee-space-windows and press enter. Could I have your "Username and Client ID?"

    Customer: "How do I display the contents of a directory?"

    Operator: "Dee-eye-ar-ur. I need your..........."

    Customer: (still whispering) "How do I delete a file?"

    Operator: (alarmed): "Wait a minute, wait a minute, don't be hasty. You don't want to go deleting files from the windows directory unless you're sure you know what they are for!"

    Customer: "I'm not deleting files."

    Operator: (curious) "Then what in the world are you doing?"

    Customer: (quieter than ever) "I'm doing a test."
     
  2. noah472

    noah472 Guest

    Not too bad... what about this one..(hey it must be a new day somewhere:))

    A man goes into the doctors wearing nothing but a see through poly bag.......

    The Doctor turns to him and say " I can clearly see your nuts!"

    :D
     
  3. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    VERY funny, lmao. :rolleyes:
     
  4. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

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    Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
    A: Because they taste funny.
     
  5. noah472

    noah472 Guest

    Very good!! Another another........

    a duck goes into a bar and says "got any bread?"

    The barman curtly replies "No"

    Again the duck asks "got any bread?"

    Again its the same reply form the barman "No"

    "got any bread?" the duck asks again

    No i told you before,

    again the duck asks the same question "got any bread?"

    The barman, getting very angry "Look, if you dont stop asking for bread I am going to nail your beak to the desk"

    "Got any Nails" the duck asks....

    "No!!!!"

    "Got any bread?"
     
  6. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    Hilarious! Good one, good one, lol.

    Next>>>>>

    Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
    A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
    dollars on a single roll of the dice.
    She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
    I'm nude."
    With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
    and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
    Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
    and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
    The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

    Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.
     
  7. JJB6486

    JJB6486 Retired Mod Political User

    Messages:
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    Location:
    West Lafayette, IN, USA
    The MS Car

    MS CAR


    Top 20 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Industry . . . .


    20. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64
    Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver,
    a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.

    19. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car
    would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the
    relevant parts.

    18. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.

    17. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

    16. Your car would refuse to start with a message
    "Abort, Retry, Fail?"

    15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard
    disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.

    14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd
    need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".

    13. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until
    after that particular year.

    12. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with
    their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16
    cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it
    would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford
    parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos,
    but it would be slower on most existing roads.

    11. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
    off.

    10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

    9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

    8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the
    roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads,
    but they run very slowly.

    7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be
    replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

    6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered,
    twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on
    only 5% of the roads.

    5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

    4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless
    you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to
    buy ten more seats and a new engine.

    3a. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and
    you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just
    accept this as normal.

    3b. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to
    stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the
    engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

    2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would
    have to buy a new car.

    1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest
    Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been
    available from another car maker for many years.

    http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Park/2296/jokes/
    Scroll down to "Computer Jokes"
     
  8. noah472

    noah472 Guest

    he he he... if only!!! :D
     
  9. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    lol, love it. Trouble is... I'd buy one :confused:

    >>>>>

    Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."
     
  10. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
    1,730
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    My turn...

    Ok... there was a Blonde and a Lawyer sitting in a plane next to each other...
    The blonde was feeling tired so she was trying to take a nap, the lawyer on the other had other things in mind... he thought this was a chance to win some money... (dumb blondes)...
    So he turns to the blonde and say... "want to play a game" ?
    Se replies "no... i'm tired" turns around... he continues... "come on it'll be fun... just a quick game"... the blonde still says no...
    The lawyer now persistant as ever says, "listen, i'll explain the game to you, then u can decide"... he starts explaining...
    "alright, first i ask you a question if you get it wrong u pay me some money, then you ask me a question and if i get it wong i pay you some money"... she still says no... the lawyer still persist...
    "ok, I tell you what.. lets make it more interesting, you get a question wrong u pay me $5, and if i get it wrong i'll pay you $1000"... the blonde realising this was the onle way to get rid of him agrees....
    so the lawyer asks the first question...
    "what is the distance between the earth and the sun... ?"
    with out any reply she pulls out a 5 dollar bill and gives it to him... he replies... "your turn". She asks....
    "What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with 3 ?"...
    The lawyer thinks for a moment... pulls out his phone starts phoning around... then pulls up his laptop searches the internet... ask the felllow passengers... after a total of 30 minutes he gives up... and pays he $1000, the blonde takes the money and starts turning around... The laweyr stops her and asks, "whats the answer then?", she opens her purse and gives him another $5 bill :D

    The not so dumb blonde ;)

    MdSalih
     
  11. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    Another one...

    A man walks into a bar one night with three
    ducks under his arm. The bartender who had already
    had a bad day decided not to even ask why he has
    these three ducks. So the guy sets the three ducks
    down on the bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes
    he has to go to the restroom. The bartender walks over
    to the first duck and says " Hi Mr. Duck what
    is your name?" The duck replies "My name is Monty."
    The bartender says "Hi Monty how are you today?"
    Monty says "I am great!" I have been in and out of
    puddles all day and I feel wonderful!". The bartender says
    "Thats great Monty." Then the bartender goes up
    to the second duck, "What is your name Mr. duck?".
    "My names is Donny said the duck. "Well how are
    you today Donny" asked the bartender. "I'm great"
    replied Donny, "I have been in and out of
    puddles all day, and if I had the chance I
    would do it again". "Great" said the bartender.
    The bartender then goes up to the third duck and
    says "Well you must be Donna" to that the duck replies
    "NO I am Miss Puddles and don't ask me how the hell my day has been!"

    MdSalih - On a roll :)
     
  12. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    More i hear ?

    A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and
    says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
    "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
    She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and
    then she screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams;
    then pushes her ankle and screams.
    Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
    The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
    "No," she says, "I'm really a blonde."
    "I thought so," the doctor replies. "You have a broken finger."

    MdSalih
     
  13. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
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    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    Last one... i Promise... :D (For now...)

    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

    "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

    "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

    The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.


    MdSalih - Stay tuned.. more tomorrow if i remember :)
     
  14. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    ^^^^^^
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]


    This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
    She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."
     
  15. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

    A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

    The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"
     
  16. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
    1,730
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    :) heh... nice1 lonman :D
    more...

    Brody came home from school one day and asked his mom,
    "Mom, what is sex?" His mom was flustered,
    but she knew this day would come, and decided to be honest.
    She spent the next hour explaining to her son about the
    birds and the bees, and where babies came from.
    When she was done her son smiled, pulled a questionnaire
    out of his pocket and pointed to the word sex: "That's cool,
    but how am I supposed to get it all in this little
    box next to the F and the M?"

    MdSalih
     
  17. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    Elevator jokes...

    1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

    2)Blow your nose and offer to show the contents
    of your Kleenex to other passengers.

    3)Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
    and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

    4)Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
    peering inside ask. "Got enough air in there?"

    5)Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
    Wear yours upside-down.

    6)When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back,
    "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

    7)When the elevator is silent, look around and ask,
    "Is that your beeper?"

    8)Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
     
  18. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
    1,730
    Location:
    Birmingham, UK
    Things To Think About

    How can batteries die?

    If its zero degrees tonight, and tomorrow its meant to be twice as cold, how cold will it be?

    Why are buildings called buildings when there finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

    Why is abbreviated such a long word?

    Why is it that when you tell a man there are 400 billion stars he will believe you, but when you tell him there's wet paint he has to touch it?

    Who's cruel idea was it to put a 'S' in 'lisp'?

    Do you find it unnerving that what doctors do is called 'practice'?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it homeless or naked?

    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    MdSalih
     
  19. MdSalih

    MdSalih The Boss

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    Signs That You Are Too Drunk


    1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
    2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
    3 Job interfering with your drinking.
    4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
    5 Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
    6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
    7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
    8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
    9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
    10 You can focus better with one eye closed.
    11 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
    12 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
    13 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
    14 Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
    15 At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
    16 Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
    17 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
    18 The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

    MdSalih
     
  20. Lonman

    Lonman Bleh!

    Messages:
    2,642
    At least we're not stealing our jokes from the same website, lol.