Is your son a computer hacker?

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by xsk8zerox, Aug 6, 2002.

  1. xsk8zerox

    xsk8zerox Moderator

    1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?
    Most America families use trusted and responsible Internet Service
    Providers, such as America Online. These providers have a strict "No
    Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet
    experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is
    becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a
    more hacker friendly provider.

    I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your
    son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's child
    safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to enjoy
    the internet without the endangering him through exposure to "adult"
    content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than
    using a home based soluion. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be
    able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using
    information gleaned from various hacker sites.

    2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember

    Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt
    to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually
    find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under
    "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software
    includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".

    The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to
    remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software
    again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine
    offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is
    time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing
    him with a grounding.

    3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

    Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They
    may request faster video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory.
    If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a
    legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy
    hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.

    If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD" this
    is genuine cause for alarm. AMDis a third-world based company who make
    inferior, "knock-off" copies of America processor chips They use child labor
    extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable
    the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to
    prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most
    likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy
    this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to
    have any hope of raising him well.

    4. Does your child read hacking manuals?

    If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will
    be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children
    are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has
    had a 17 year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up
    and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on
    inexperienced minds.

    There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today.
    A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon"
    by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl"
    by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce
    Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and
    "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.

    If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession,
    confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to
    remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at
    first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.

    5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

    If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may
    be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to
    the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up
    vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is
    doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The
    safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a
    maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

    6. Does your son use Quake?

    Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting
    place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use
    of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the
    use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at

    If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not
    acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are
    carefully locked away, and have trigger locksinstalled. You should also
    bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

    7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

    As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected
    with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or
    judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will
    manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees
    with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may
    utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

    Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about
    this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and
    that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the
    problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow
    yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he
    doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to
    him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

    8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?

    Invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the
    Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which
    was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by
    hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card
    numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their
    music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker,
    responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is
    used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a

    Your son may try to install "lunix" on your hard drive. If he is careful,
    you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and
    if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it
    completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your
    computer repaired by a professional.

    If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn
    the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it,
    you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them
    fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be
    removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.

    9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

    If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may
    have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo
    colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed
    in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying
    "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea
    why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son
    may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group
    of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a
    severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

    10. Is your son struggling academically?

    If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports
    teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku"
    hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with
    his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from
    the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip
    dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and
    Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause
    schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the
    reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start
    gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you
    must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically.

    I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's
    future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity,
    that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot be
    taken too seriously.
  2. Friend of Bill

    Friend of Bill What, me worry?

    My god, that article sounds like the kid is on dope. Is this another Psych 101 theory?
  3. xsk8zerox

    xsk8zerox Moderator

    hmm... i hope everyone hasnt seen it...
  4. xsk8zerox

    xsk8zerox Moderator

    hmm thats all there was on mine besides post headers
  5. I installed some of these "hacking tools" such as "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash" and I also tried one called "Gator." After messing around I couldn't figure out this software so I tried uninstalling it. Well I have been trying to uninstall these programs but they will not remove from my harddrive. They are in my start menu and pop up all the time, Do I need to send my Computer back to the manufacture and get a new harddrive??????? Maybe it damaged my harddrive surface like that bloody "Lunix" not about to try it!

  6. B~B

    B~B Guest

    Whovever wrote this article is an idiot.
  7. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    AMD is WHAT! :p

    What a Dweeb! What a stupid flippin Moron! :p
  8. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Heh heh heh... NO! :D
  9. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Heh heh heh... NO! :p
  10. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    I will do what they say... I will do what they say. :p
  11. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

    Santa Clara, CA
    I think that was posted on the frontpage back when the site started... anyway, some people havent seen it...
  12. xsk8zerox

    xsk8zerox Moderator

    well... im glad ive failed to entertain... everyone
  13. xsivforce

    xsivforce Prodigal Son Folding Team

    Texas, USA
  14. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    A galant effort :p
  15. djwhite

    djwhite OSNN Senior Addict

    Well, according to that, I'm a hacker... so lock me up and throw away the key.
  16. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Ooooooo... I'm tellin :p (pickin up phone dialing FBI... Doesn't know FBI phone number, Hangs up in disgust. :p)
  17. freightgod

    freightgod Confused and Bewildered

    Gee I thought the whole piece was tongue-in-cheek and pretty funny, too. Now you're telling me it was for real!!!! LOL
  18. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    i'm sat here laughin me ass off,but the worryin thing is sum dumb sod is goin 2 belive it....
  19. Gary Pandher

    Gary Pandher Moderator

    it was prety funny
    till i found out its real
  20. Chief

    Chief Guest

    My son is not a computer hacker, ........ BUT MY DAUGHTER IS! hahaha! And she's only 3 years old. :D :D