I just wanted to thank everybody

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by Bucky Badger, Jul 15, 2005.

  1. Bucky Badger

    Bucky Badger OSNN Addict

    Messages:
    185
    This is a note to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble
    to send
    me your doggone chain letters over the past two years.

    Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
    Because of
    your concern...

    I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
    products
    are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

    I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from
    the rat
    feces and urine.

    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
    pricked with
    a needle infected with AIDS.

    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
    water
    buffalo on a hot day.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
    perfume
    sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
    Al Qaeda
    in disguise.

    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
    American
    troops.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
    stupid
    number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
    Jamaica,
    Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

    I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain
    will turn
    me gay.

    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    freaks
    with no eyes or feathers.

    I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
    leave
    me taking a permanent nap in a bathtub full of ice.

    I no longer have any sneakers-but that will change once I receive my
    free
    replacement pair from Nike.

    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
    their
    recipe.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
    out for
    me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

    Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
    forward an
    email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
    about to
    die in the hospital (for the 1387258th time).

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
    the
    $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
    their
    special e-mail program.

    Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
    I will
    now return the favor.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
    seconds, a
    large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this
    afternoon and
    the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

    I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
    friend of
    a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next
    door
    neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's
    ex-wife's mother's beautician!!!
     
  2. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Hahahahaa!

    Very nice. :p