How to bath a cat?

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by itsmelisa, Nov 7, 2006.

  1. itsmelisa

    itsmelisa Joke Spammer

    Messages:
    98
    Dear Cat Owner,

    Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

    Sincerely,

    The DOG]

    ----------
    - Lisa

    Only The Best Funny Jokes:
    http://www.OnlyBestJokes.com
     
    mlakrid and gonaads like this.
  2. mlakrid

    mlakrid OSNN BASSMASTER Political User Folding Team

    LOL...

    now this one is funny...

    :D
     
  3. Perris Calderon

    Perris Calderon Moderator Staff Member Political User

    Messages:
    12,332
    Location:
    new york
    not mine;

    Cat's DiarY


    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their ccomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my acctivities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
     
    gonaads likes this.
  4. Perris Calderon

    Perris Calderon Moderator Staff Member Political User

    Messages:
    12,332
    Location:
    new york
    DOG'S DIARY


    Day number 180
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


    Day number 181
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


    Day number 182
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
    1:45 pm - ooooooo. DRYING OFF!, MY FAVORITE
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
     
  5. Kr0m

    Kr0m Moderator

    Messages:
    1,390
    Location:
    Turtle Island
    hahhaha
     
  6. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    This is a great thread. :p