A BUN IN THE OVEN! Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking. Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A: Have sex once a year. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder. Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you're doing with them. Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labor-saving device. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids? A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it's a girl, for starters. Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts. Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: How does one sanitize nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they? A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.