George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by kcnychief, Jan 28, 2007.

  1. kcnychief

    kcnychief █▄█ ▀█▄ █ Political User Folding Team

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    Massachusetts
    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
    a
    reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
    the
    football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
    was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
    What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
    idols.
    If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
    taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
    your
    flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
    top
    is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open
    it,
    his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
    solved
    the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
    cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one
    NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
    deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
    kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
    Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
    doesn't
    make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
    Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
    too
    damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
    already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
    M&Ms,
    I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
    old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
    remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
    remember
    the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
    the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
    rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
    isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
    After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
    had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
    there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
    web
    cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
    months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
    cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
    pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
    tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
    around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
     
  2. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

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    That was awesome!
     
  3. falconguard

    falconguard Carbon based lifeform Political User Folding Team

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    SoCal
    I believe th\ose are from Bill Maher not Geroge Carlin. Still pretty funny.