Funny train announcements and stuff

Discussion in 'Green Room' started by Sybs, Dec 8, 2003.

  1. Sybs

    Sybs Guest

    Got this in a chain email. Funny stuff.

    Newspapers and trains......FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!

    Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
    high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

    Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
    because
    they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
    they
    don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

    A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
    was
    rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
    commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

    At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
    on
    the
    spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
    sorry,
    but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
    had
    just
    blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

    Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
    audience
    with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent
    each
    week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
    recalled
    "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
    came up
    in
    the
    middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
    (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

    A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
    made
    to their passengers...

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
    service. I
    know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
    to be
    married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
    the
    Westbound
    and go in the opposite direction".

    "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
    suffering
    from E& B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
    let
    you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

    "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
    that
    last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
    time.
    The
    bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
    Stratford
    and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
    destination."
    "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
    security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
    for
    the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
    some
    time
    together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
    wall.....'".

    "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
    Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
    told me,
    so
    I
    could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
    that".

    "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
    these
    professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it
    to a
    registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

    During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
    announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
    sauna,
    ladies and
    gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

    "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on
    then,
    stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
    home....">

    "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
    'Please
    hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
    instructions."

    "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
    that
    the
    doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
    bags
    into the doors."

    "We can't move off because some idiot has their ****** hand stuck
    in
    the
    door"

    "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
    second
    carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
    understand?"

    "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move
    ALL
    belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
    message to
    the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train
    -
    put
    the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
    the
    door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
    sideways"

    "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
    allowed
    on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
    joint,
    it's
    only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
     
  2. Khayman

    Khayman I'm sorry Hal... Political User Folding Team

    Messages:
    5,518
    Location:
    England
    Thats pretty funny :)
     
  3. Codasmd

    Codasmd Old School XPeriencer

    Messages:
    495
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA.
    Yeah...good stuff.
     
  4. ming

    ming OSNN Advanced

    Messages:
    4,252
    Location:
    UK
    Why do I miss out on all those announcements on the Tube everyday? :(