S
Sybs
Guest
Got this in a chain email. Funny stuff.
Newspapers and trains......FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on
the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had
just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent
each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
came up
in
the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made
to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the
Westbound
and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering
from E& B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time.
The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford
and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some
time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me,
so
I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it
to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna,
ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on
then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home....">
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that
the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags
into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their ****** hand stuck
in
the
door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move
ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train
-
put
the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the
door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint,
it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
Newspapers and trains......FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on
the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had
just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent
each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
recalled
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
came up
in
the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made
to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the
Westbound
and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering
from E& B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time.
The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford
and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some
time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me,
so
I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage
these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it
to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna,
ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on
then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home....">
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please
hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that
the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags
into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their ****** hand stuck
in
the
door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move
ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train
-
put
the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the
door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint,
it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
