Discussion in 'Green Room' started by Henyman, Oct 28, 2002.

  1. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    A Fisherman's Tale

    Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One
    looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across
    the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows
    his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man
    puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and
    continues fishing.

    The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know
    you had it in you."

    The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing
    to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

    Rules of Bedroom Golf

    1 Each player shall furnish his own equipment
    for play.
    2 Play must be permitted by the owner of the
    3 Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the
    club in the hole and keep the balls out.
    4 For most effective play, the club should have
    a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check
    shaft stiffness before play begins.
    5 Course owners reserve the right to restrict
    club length to avoid damage to the hole.
    6 The object of the game is to take as many
    strokes as necessary until the course owner is
    satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may
    result in being denied permission to play the course
    7 It is considered bad form to begin playing the
    hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The
    experienced player will normally take time to admire
    the entire course with special attention to well-formed
    8 Players are cautioned not to mention other
    courses they have played, or are currently playing, to
    the owner of the course being played. Angry course
    owners have been known to damage players' equipment for
    this reason.
    9 Players are encouraged to bring proper rain
    gear for their own protection.
    10 Players should ensure that the match has been
    properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is
    being played for the first time. Previous players have
    been known to become irate if they discover someone
    else playing on what they considered to be a private
    11 Players should not assume a course is in
    shape for play at all times. Some players may be
    embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
    under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
    tactful in this situation. More advanced players will
    find alternative means of play when this is the case.
    12 The course owner is responsible for
    manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to
    allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and
    approach to the hole.
    13 Players are advised to obtain the course
    owner's permission before attempting to play the back
    14 Slow play is encouraged. However, players
    should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at
    least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
    15 It is considered outstanding performance,
    time permitting, to play the same hole several times in
    one match.
  2. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    THE $99 CRUISE

    A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in
    the window,

    "Cruise Special -- $99!".

    She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and
    says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

    The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties
    her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the
    back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes
    her in and sends her floating.

    A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the
    sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and
    asks for the $99 special.

    She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down
    the river.

    Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches
    up with the first blonde.

    They float side by side for a while before the first
    blonde asks,

    "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?

    The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."


    One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly
    mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she
    will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
    bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
    chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to
    lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses
    immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

    Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to
    tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once
    more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

    Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is
    adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are
    they treating you all right?" they ask.

    "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let
    you fart.