ER Stories

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by delta4s, Jul 3, 2004.

  1. delta4s

    delta4s BLACK HAWK ALOFT

    Bangalore, India
    A few stories from Americas Emergency Rooms
    to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.

    A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
    The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.
    When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that
    they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to
    make the nitroglycerin explode.

    A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
    abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had
    inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her private area. Unable to
    have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

    A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken
    rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could
    reattach the man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in
    good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the
    search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking
    sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner.
    After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels
    from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist
    it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while
    sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct
    for medical assistance.

    A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500
    lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to
    undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her
    arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest
    her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but
    not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one
    of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

    A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
    parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
    Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!"
    At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be
    restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!).
    Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

    An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty!"

    The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came
    in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

    A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
    exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The
    doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
    The doctor went back to the young female's room.
    Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.
    Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
    Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
    Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
    Patient: "No. Who?"

    A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
    to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
    attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
    lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
    "Didn't make it? Where could they be?
    She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

    A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next
    to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that
    he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his
    friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was
    anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.
    The boy thought for a while then said questioningly,
    "I've been screwing the dog?"

    A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she
    and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
    wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the
    bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."