Banned from Wal-Mart for....

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by drz01, Jul 21, 2006.

  1. drz01

    drz01 Weekend DJ

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    Letter received from Complaint Dept at Walmart.

    Dear Mr. Samples:

    Over the past six months, you have been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

    Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble you have caused. All complaints against you have been compiled and are listed below.

    Mr. Wally Brown
    President and CEO
    WalMart Complaint Department

    MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has done while his wife was shopping:

    1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.

    5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

    6. January 23, 2006: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! — PICK ME!"

    14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! Sheila! It's those voices again!!!!"

    And last, but not least, just today....

    15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"
     
  2. sindustrial777

    sindustrial777 OSNN Addict

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    more power to him, down with walmart:devious: !
     
  3. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    Hahahahaha. That's great. :p
     
  4. kcnychief

    kcnychief █▄█ ▀█▄ █ Political User Folding Team

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    rofl, that guy has talents :D
     
  5. LeeJend

    LeeJend Moderator

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    why do they want to ban him. thats no worse than what i see any time i'm in walmart.
     
  6. X-Istence

    X-Istence * Political User

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    That is awesome!
     
  7. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

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    He didn't really get banned...it's made up. I've seen the same joke packaged differently before. But it is amusing :)
     
  8. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    yeah it's an old joke repackaged, still good though :p
     
  9. X-Istence

    X-Istence * Political User

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    Who cares?
     
  10. gonaads

    gonaads Beware the G-Man Political User Folding Team

    And there goes the free lunch. [​IMG]
     
  11. damnyank

    damnyank I WILL NOT FORGET 911

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    Sixty-Eight Fun Things to do in Walmart


    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
    3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
    4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
    5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
    6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
    7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
    8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
    9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
    12. Play with the automatic doors.
    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"
    15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
    16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
    17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
    20. Put M&M's on layaway.
    21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
    23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
    24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
    26. TP as much of the store as possible.
    27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
    28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
    29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
    30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
    31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
    32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
    33. Take bets on the battle described above.
    34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
    35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
    36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
    37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
    39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
    40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
    41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
    42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
    43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
    44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
    45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
    46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
    47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
    48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
    49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
    50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
    51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
    52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
    53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
    54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
    55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
    56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
    57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
    58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
    59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
    60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
    61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
    62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
    63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
    64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
    65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
    66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
    67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
     
  12. Grandmaster

    Grandmaster Electronica Addict Political User Folding Team

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    You guys need to lighten up a bit :p
     
  13. alphabravo

    alphabravo OSNN One Post Wonder

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    4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.

    What's a code 3?