Australian Etiquette Handbook

Discussion in 'Funny Farm' started by ZeroHour, Feb 21, 2005.

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  1. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    {REPOST- BETTER NOT READ ON Lee :lick:}

    GENERAL:
    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
    3. It's tacky to take an esky (cooler box) to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

    DINING OUT:
    1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
    1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE:
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
    3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (Outside the Family):
    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
    2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
    3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

    WEDDINGS:
    1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.
    2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
    5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

     
  2. Lee

    Lee OSNN Proxy

    Bit of racial stereotyping do believe.
     
  3. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Messages:
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    Its a JOKE!!!
     
  4. Lee

    Lee OSNN Proxy

    Was it really?
     
  5. polyglory

    polyglory Walkabout Specialist

    Messages:
    146
    Location:
    Belgium
    Arrrg Not PC in here as well and I have'nt seen the joke.

    Its a bad day when you can't laugh at your self :)
     
  6. Kush

    Kush High On Life!

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    darn i had just emailed the link to my austrailian teacher
     
  7. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User


    that is the basis of 99% of jokes about different countries ;)
     
  8. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    Do you want it back?
    I can put it in again but only if Lee stops moaning.
    Everyone should PM him telling him to stop moaning at me :p LOL
     
  9. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User

    lee doesn't decide what gets posted ;)
     
  10. Lee

    Lee OSNN Proxy

    No I am not PC, I don't like the fact that the thread starter when something is said about his own race of people starts weilding the race card, yet he finds it totally acceptable to make and post jokes about other races of people and feels it should stand.
     
  11. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

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    Get a grip Lee, your campain of annoyance at me must end.
    Just dont bother reading my posts then from now on if I create it. Problem solved :dead:
     
  12. Lee

    Lee OSNN Proxy

    No need to be rude, you must remember you're the one that started it al off, if you are Man enough you would have apologised for calling me racist 7 months ago for making a very small and cute joke about a Scotsman I once knew.

    You just keep stereotyping a race and you will come unstuck, a lot of Australians are not like what you find is a joke.

    Most of the Australians I have worked with or been involved in social situations are nothing like what you cut n pasted.
     
  13. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

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    Location:
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    God ur holding something against me from 7 months ago!!!
    Grow up mate. 7 months is along time ago and I belive you have already been banned once for some reason or other. Do you really think this is the childish attitude you should be taking now that you have been allowed back?
    Get over it, I cant even remember what it was all about. And I was probably joking when I replied to you.
    Calm Calm my child :D lol
     
  14. Lee

    Lee OSNN Proxy

    Let me think, it was you that would not let it lie down.

    It was you who could not see the funny side, you were the one deeply offended.

    You have yet to make any apology for calling me rude names yet you still find it funny to 'racially stereotype' a race of people I quite like.

    You should think long and hard about the jokes you post as they usually have an offensive regime about them.

    You go talk about that amongst a few Aussies if you get decked that will be a warning.
     
  15. ZeroHour

    ZeroHour ho3 ho3 ho3

    Messages:
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    Location:
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    I have Aussies for cousins.
    They thought it was quite funny, if not completly accurate.
    Lee this is getting a bit mad. Calm down. Take a chill pill.

    Note:
    http://www.osnn.net/forum/showthread.php?t=57381&highlight=scottish
    I find that funny and I am scottish.

    This the post u on about??:
    http://www.osnn.net/forum/showthread.php?t=40436&highlight=scottish
    Or:
    http://www.osnn.net/forum/showthread.php?t=40265&highlight=scottish
    Or:
    http://www.osnn.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3779&highlight=scottish

    Where is this mystic post then?
     
  16. Henyman

    Henyman Secret Goat Fetish Political User


    ffs it's a joke!!!!
     
  17. SPeedY_B

    SPeedY_B I may actually be insane.

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