Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit worried. My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go... Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people. I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school. A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done." We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail. I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you." I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Seeing these three elderly ladies fall about laughing at a fart joke was an act of human defiance for me - they might not be here on Tuesday. They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness. My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "****, I wasn't listening . Self-raising?" The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork... A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you haven't gained that part. When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space. Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink". A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him. Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in. An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday. Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was signing copies of the script in Waterstones the other day They threw me out. It appears that you're meant to get permission first The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. I bought my parents a house. Unfortunately it was worse than the one they had before. Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church." Two blind fellows walk into a wall. I don't need Viagra. I need a woman. 50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p. I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price. I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him.